Billionaire filmmaker, producer, and playwright, Tyler Perry, has just added a new title to his catalog of genius: relationship expert. He recently sat down with Crystal Renee Hayslett of the Keep it Positive, Sweetie podcast and imparted his findings on the state of Black relationships.  Although he has neither the degree, personal, or professional experience to back his theories, he had much to say about how Black women ought to best proceed with a task that has proven difficult for many: mate selection.

In case you missed it, here’s the clip:

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the messenger

It’s hard to determine which is worse — the messenger or the message.

At 54 years young, what Black woman has Tyler covered through the union of marriage?  To whom has he made a public declaration vowing to love, honor, and cherish in sickness and in health? If building an intact and healthy nuclear family is one of the strongest ways to preserve and empower the Black community, how is Mr. Perry contributing?  

Rather than solving the problem of the lamb’s wool wigs that find themselves front and center in every single one of his productions, Tyler has chosen to speak on Black women — and it’s bothersome, to say the least. 

the message

Now that we’ve covered the messenger, let’s cover the message. 

Mr. Perry suggests that if professional Black women simply lowered their standards and learned to be “fine” with a man who can only pay the light bill, their problems would be solved. I took the time to listen to more of the podcast, hoping that perhaps his message was taken out of context — it was not. 

After listening further, I’ve gathered that the gist of his overall message — don’t allow money to dictate your decisions — is not a terrible one.  The love of money is the root of all evil; however, money itself represents survival and economic power. Tyler’s message is tone deaf at best and offensive at worst. 

There he sits, a male billionaire, part of the elite 1%, advising people — Black women in particular — not to base their decisions on money. He references his friends, Oprah and Stedman, to further support his point. 

What Tyler fails to realize as he puts his mouth on Black women, is that he now speaks from the throne of privilege – although I’m sure he worked incredibly hard to arrive there.  Making decisions without the worry of money is a luxury that billionaires can afford – the average person, not so much. 

In the real world, money matters. Marriage is, after all, in part a business arrangement. When the bills can’t be paid or the house forecloses, many couples find themselves in divorce court —not due to greed, but traumatized by the stress of living in survival mode.   When it comes to the financial realities of running a household, it appears that his few years hoarding resources as a billionaire, have rendered Mr. Perry with a touch of amnesia. 

Tyler is asking Black women (the non-billionaire kind), to set aside an instinct that has been hard-wired into the female psyche for millennia: the need for safety and security. Rather than giving Black men the blueprint for success, he’s encouraging Black women to accept fending for themselves within romantic partnerships. Although, they carry, birth, and nurse the babies — Black women should be just fine adding primary breadwinner and household financier to the pot of responsibilities. 

The notion cuts deep. It is yet another indirect message that Black women are not worthy of protection, rest, or strong male presence. 

Tyler is not the first of his kind to walk on the wild side and give Black women relationship advice. He joins the ranks of Steve Harvey, Kevin Samuels, and other successful Black men who have qualified themselves to impart relationship wisdom to the Black community in recent years.  These men rarely, if ever, speak to their Black male counterparts.  Instead, they choose to direct their life advice to Black women, telling us how we ought to function in the Black love ecosystem – a system that is set up for our collective failure. 

A message worth hearing

Although scarcity is not a message I will promote, the state of relationships within (Black) America matters.  According to a study by the National Center for Family and Marriage Research, marriage rates in America have plummeted from 76.5% in 1970 to just over 31% in 2023. The study shows that the groups experiencing the most significant decline in marriage are Hispanic women (down 33%) and Black women (down 60%).  Pair these numbers with the fact that there are 88 living black men for every 100 living black women and we have the groundwork for a strong theory: America is facing a systemic crisis within the family unit.

In short, the problem is not Black women and their superficial preoccupation with money.  The reasons are too lengthy to be explored in this article, but one factor remains obvious: Americans, across all cultural and ethnic categories, are struggling to come together.

It’s bigger than Black women needing to be less preoccupied with money.

It’s bigger than Black women needing to do away with their lists.

It’s bigger than Black women being too picky.

THE PROBLEM IS SYSTEMIC.

So, my message to Tyler, Steve, and all the other men on podcasts and platforms dishing out unsolicited relationship advice to Black women: Worry ‘Bout Yo’self!

We appreciate your concern, but this is not your lane.  Let our mothers, aunties, and God-moms teach us about the dangers of centering money within relationship decisions. Let us continue to gather in our sister-circles, exploring mate-selection, womanhood and femininity.

Not sure how to spend your time? Here are a few suggestions. If you can’t teach them how to build billion-dollar empires, speak to your male counterparts about how to build houses. Human houses, bird houses, or dog houses — any kind will do. Teach boys to be men.  Teach emotional intelligence.  Teach Black History.  Fight racism and poverty.  

But please, for the love of all things good and pure, please stop teaching Black women how to be women.  

Signed,

A Black Woman (who is sometimes mad)