I left you with a bit of a cliffhanger after date #7, didn’t I?😏 I won’t belabor the details, let’s jump right back in.

Remember, I had walked away from my last three-part date with Mr. Hairline fanning the tiny flames of our newly sparked romance? I was curious, excited, and a bit nervous to explore more with my handsome suitor. I liked that he was a gentleman and we held similar values. He was responsible in managing his affairs and seemed to be a source of strength for the people whom he loved. He was sharp and called me on my stuff, which meant I wouldn’t be able to walk all over him in a relationship. Then, of course, there was the fact that he was so easy on the eyes. 

However, after date #7, I noticed a pattern beginning to form with Mr. Hairline.  As I came down off of the high of our pleasant dates, I noticed that we didn’t communicate much.  

As you know, I’m a therapist by day and a writer by night. I talk all day for a living and prefer spending time in person over conversations on the phone.  My night times are usually occupied with bubble baths, salsa dancing, writing, or Sex And The City reruns.  I don’t need hours of phone conversations to build an emotional connection.  In-person dates, along with interesting text exchanges, and occasional phone calls will do it for me. When we initially started dating, I explained all this to Hairline.  At first, it seemed like we were on the same page. He didn’t require much phone time either.  However, as time drew on, I began to notice that in between our dates, I felt a disconnect.  

Hairline travels a lot and had a solo trip planned after date #7.  He also worked crazy hours and seemed to have a full social calendar, so it had been challenging to plan an actual date.  None of this was a significant problem for me. However, what I could not understand was the lack of communication in place of in-person dates. Many of our text exchanges felt surface-level. He didn’t ask me in-depth questions about myself or share many details of his day.  I distinctly remember telling him one time that I would be flying home to New Jersey for a doctor’s appointment to follow up on a medical issue. He never asked for any details – peculiar energy for a man you’ve been dating for almost two months.  To add to the surface-level texts, he never discussed plans for future dates and phone calls were sparse.  

There were quite a few times Hairline did not respond to a text message from me until the next day. I DESPISE THAT.  It’s 2023. We all know that no one goes more than 12 hours without accessing their phone. I sensed nonchalance in the way he communicated with me. Neither the Leo, nor the lover in me was pleased.

Keeping in mind that Hairline was under no obligation to communicate with me, especially as we had no commitments or exclusivity, I initially decided that I simply needed to be patient and adjust my pace. I’ve become accustomed to men being very intentional and enthusiastic about seeing me and spending time together in the beginning; however, I understand that everyone’s pace is different.  Yet at the 1.5-month mark, I was becoming frustrated.  I desire real connection from my dating experiences and something about this just felt out of alignment.  

Was Hairline emotionally unavailable?

The Pilot

I had learned all about emotionally unavailable men with my last boyfriend, the Parisian Black Pilot.  Our story had been the stuff of unicorns and fairy tales.  He had slid in my DM after @Blacktravelfeed shared an Instagram reel I made sharing my adventures in Panama.  We chatted for a few months and when I finally made my way to Europe while nomading, the Pilot asked to meet me in Milan. Our second date was lunch in Lake Como and our third was a meetup in Malta. Extending my stay in Europe to give us a real chance, I spent the month of August in Paris, immersed in his culture and caught in the fire of romance. 

Listen, no one could tell me that I had not hacked the system!  I had managed to find a Black man who was well-cultured, intelligent, successful, child-free, AND humble. And I did so as a black woman over the age of thirty-five – the manosphere and Kevin Samuelites would be outraged! He and I enjoyed similar things and had similar upbringings.  I only had to leave the US to find him. 🥴

However, two months in, The Pilot started showing his unavailability.  He refused to talk about his last relationship and didn’t want to pray over meals together, saying both were very personal. He would allow days to go on without phone calls, which were the lifeline of our long-distance relationship, and also never wanted to address conflict. 

During one exchange just two days before I was scheduled to leave Paris, as I was trying to help him organize his closet, The Pilot refused my help. When I asked why, he told me that I did not live there and that it was his house.  Ooop!  Understood, sir. . . 

I was so taken aback because I had no plans of trying to move in, yet somehow still felt pushed out. Overwhelmed with feelings of rejection and confusion, I couldn’t hold back my tears and cried in front of him for the first time that evening.   

It all went downhill from there. Although he made the eleven-hour flight from Paris to LA and came to visit me on the next leg of my nomad journey after Europe, we were never able to recover and broke up the following month.  

Attachment

In psychology, there’s a term to describe why The Pilot behaved the way he did: avoidant attachment.  

Based on attachment theory, people who are avoidant struggle to build intimacy within their romantic relationships and often opt for hookups or casual dating arrangements.  They are guarded, have rigid boundaries, and prefer independence over interdependence.  Avoidant people have difficulty responding to the emotional needs of their partner and, as a way of soothing themselves, will withdraw or shut down when emotions are heightened.

The other side of avoidant attachment is anxious attachment. 

Anxiously attached people find themselves overworking and clinging to relationships, even when they are unhealthy.  Co-dependency and criticism are high, and they often lack boundaries, as well as a sense of self. Used to not having their needs met, they often fear that they are too much and tend to suppress their feelings and needs. If you’re curious about your attachment style, take this attachment style test to learn more. 

I’ve skewed anxious in the past, but with maturity, therapy, and God the Father, I’ve grown to become primarily secure. However, an avoidant man can certainly trigger some of my old anxious ways, so it’s important that I make good decisions for myself and select a partner who is emotionally available. 

Hairline seemed to be ok with our pace of seeing each other once every two weeks and he conveyed no urgency about future dates.  He worked around the clock. Our text conversations were surface-level and I often carried the weight of making deeper conversation. Finally, just like The Beard, he would always say that his day was “amazing” . . . EVERY SINGLE DAY. Who has an amazing day all the time?  My spidey senses (aka my intuition) were tingling — I had seen this before. 

I began to tire of trying to understand why he seemed unenthusiastic about connecting with me.  The final straw came when he went on vacation for a week and made no attempt to speak, beyond a few “how are you” text messages.  Unlike when he was working, Hairline had plenty of time on a solo vacation to connect  — if he wanted to. 

I am a woman that craves depth, connection, and intimacy. This wasn’t working.

what’s his bdb?

As God would have it, I came across a video on Instagram that described what I had been experiencing with Hairline.  In the clip, dating coach, Anwar White, says to pay less attention to the feelings and behaviors that come up on a date. Those tend to be surface-level and based on hormones. Instead, he recommends paying attention to the BDB, Between Date Behaviors.  Men who will make the best partners remain connected between dates, showing interest in getting to know you and experiencing your day-to-day, even if they are not physically with you.  It made sense to me!

Check out Anwar’s video here:

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Anwar White – Dating and Relationship Coach (@getyourguy_coaching)

A FrienD-tervention

One Friday afternoon, while laying out by the pool in my complex and considering Hairline’s BDB, I told Loriel that I was planning to have the “we’re not a fit” conversation.  Naturally, she was disappointed.  She genuinely wanted to see both of us win.  

Loriel can be a bit of a firecracker. You never know exactly what you’re going to get and certainly won’t be bored in her presence. I distinctly remember one occasion in college, where in a fit of rage, she threw a rattail comb at a guy she had been dating. The comb landed firmly in the sheetrock, like a dart on a bullseye.  She could have taken his eye out.

In her typical firecracker fashion, Loriel decided to text Hairline and request a conversation between the two of them.  In the past, I had refused her involvement, stating that he and I needed to communicate with each other and work things out.  But at that point, it no longer mattered to me.  I had already shared my thoughts with him about being confused and needing more connection. If she wanted to talk to her friend, she could.

That night, Loriel called me saying she had just spoken to Hairline and had tea to spill.

During their phone conversation, she pressed him about how he felt about me (sidebar– if you don’t have at least one friend who goes as hard for you as Loriel does for me, I challenge you to get one).

Their conversation went something like this:

“So how do you feel about my girl? I want you to be honest.”

“She’s amazing. I’ve never met anyone like her.”

“So why doesn’t she know that? She’s confused and wondering what’s going on.”

“I know. She told me she was confused. Honestly, I wasn’t prepared to meet someone like her. There’s a lot going on in life right now and I’m trying to balance it all.”

“Well, why haven’t you told her that? She would understand. She’s been thinking y’all might not be a fit.”

“Dang, that’s where she’s at? Ok. Here’s what’s really happening.  I was entertaining a few other women before I met her. She blew everyone out of the water and now I just want to focus on her.  I’m working on cutting it off with the other women. But it’s going to take time” he told Loriel.

So, there it was.  Hairline was overwhelmed and also juggling me and other women simultaneously.  

I’m not clueless.  I’m aware that any man I’m dating casually may also be dating other women simultaneously.  I expect it and am not threatened by it.

However, I dare not FEEL like you’re juggling me with other women. A single man can (and should) date as many women as he has the capacity for. However, leaving any of them — me in particular — feeling neglected in the process is a no-no . . . at least in my book.

That same night, Hairline texted me requesting a date the following Monday.  Intending to find the balance between entertaining a dead-end situation for too long (out of neediness and attachment) and bailing too fast (out of trauma and fear), I decided to oblige him and see what he had to say. I wasn’t committing to a relationship – it was just one date.  Right? 

How do you think my story with Mr. Hairline ends? Leave a comment and drop your prediction. As always, feel free to tap the “buy me a coffee” button so I can invest in this project and bring you even better content!

Until Next Time,

Be Blessed!

Kaity