The confidence project journal

Introduction

“What’s wrong with me?”

That was the resounding question reverberating throughout my mind. I was twenty-seven years old and an anxious wreck. I had just ended a seven-year relation- ship, was adjusting to a new job, and regularly saw kids who cut themselves on purpose. All of this proved to be a perfect storm of events that sent me into an emotional hurricane and clinical anxiety.

Just two years earlier, I had been standing on the stage of the Miss USA pageant, representing my home state, New Jersey. I spoke to crowds of youth about reaching their dreams, performed on live

T.V. in front of millions, and wore a swimsuit on stage without even flinching. I was the picture of confidence…at least on the outside.

My inner world told a much different story. Most people consider the pageant world to be all glitz, glamour, and world peace. It’s far from it. I experienced criticism that made my middle school years seem like  a cakewalk. People called me names, compared my features to those  of animals, and tossed around all forms of racial slurs as they cast their predictions for who would win the title of Miss USA. Even well-meaning family members and friends would give unsolicited advice on how I should look. I can still remember holding back tears at an appearance one day. A person who I considered to be a mother figure at the time casually mentioned to me how I needed to pull my look together to be more like that of a beauty queen. I was crushed.

On top of the external criticism, there were the comparisons I made in my own mind. Before going off to Las Vegas to compete for Miss USA, I had the opportunity to meet my fellow contestants. They were all gorgeous, intelligent, and amazing young women, many of whom were already working as models in the industry. I compared these women to my five feet four inches, non-modeling, acne-prone self, and felt completely inferior.

It’s no wonder I fell into a pit of anxiety, culminating in a series of panic attacks and one trip to the E.R. just a few years later.

Fortunately, those panic attacks led me to start therapy, where healing began. I learned that I had never learned to trust myself and my ability to make sound decisions, the perfect breeding ground for anxiety, so I didn’t believe I could bounce back from mistakes and failure or rejection. I had not made peace with my flaws. I valued the opinions of others over my opinion of myself. That’s why the criticism hurt so badly.

My time in therapy made me so much more self-aware. As a therapist, I can say in full confidence that awareness is the precursor to healing and growth. In fact, I believe in self-awareness so much that I’ve made it the foundation of The Confidence Journal!

If you’ve picked up this journal, you may be struggling to realize what makes you amazing. You could need a reminder about your own strength. Perhaps you’re simply tired of playing small because you’re unsure of whether or not you have what it takes to squeeze out of life all of the juicy goodness that it has to offer.

Whatever your reason for picking up this journal, prepare to rediscover yourself. Throughout these fifty-two journal entries, you will chart your goals and dreams and outline your spiritual beliefs. You will travel back in time to revisit some of your most bright and shining moments, as well as some of your darkest challenges. You will take your self-awareness to new heights. Be careful…you might just surprise yourself!

“Why am I always so negative?”

Failure is an essential part of a life well-lived. We strive, and sometimes we hit the mark. Other times, we fail miserably. If we’re not aware, these failures become a part of our personal narratives, darkening how we feel and limiting our potential.

“I was rejected from that school; therefore, I’m a reject and will probably never be successful.”

“My marriage failed; therefore, I’m bad at relationships and better off alone.”

“I lost my temper and yelled at my kids today; so, I must be a bad mother.”

As I looked back on my own response to failures in life, I began to ask myself a series of questions: “Why do we hang on to failures and define ourselves by them, rather than the times that we succeed? Why do we focus intently on correcting our flaws, rather than maxi- mizing our strengths? What causes us to forget the five compliments we received at work, but hold on to that one critical comment? Why does the negative seem so much more bitter than the positive sweet?”

Blame it on negativity bias.

The negativity bias is a biological dynamic that is primitive in nature and common among all humans. It goes back to our survival instinct. Our brains are wired to sense impending danger, lack, and general threats to our wellness. Whether it was the saber-tooth tiger lurking in the bushes alluding to certain death during our early days, or the crater-sized forehead pimple inferring rejection and isolation today, our brains are wired to zero in on what’s dangerous, defective, or undesirable. At its most basic level, this awareness allows us to react and (hopefully) save ourselves.

While your brain may be wired to magnify what’s negative or threatening in nature, fear not! You are not doomed to be subject  to your negative thoughts. There is hope! It is possible to reduce  the impact of the negativity bias as it pertains to how you feel about yourself. The key is to be intentional.

You must be intentional about seeking out the positive in your life. You must search for it relentlessly as if your very life depends on it. Because in a sense, doesn’t it? The life you want is on the other side of all your doubts, fears, and judgments about what is possible. You will need to be intentional about working through your bias because you’re challenging your natural wiring and millennia of genetic programming. It’s no easy task.

Be intentional about searching for the positive within yourself and all that you have to be confident about. It’s easy (natural even) to focus on what’s “wrong” with you. But have you searched for what’s right?

This is the goal of The Confidence Project Journal. We will be taking you on a journey to celebrate what’s right, strong, beautiful, and courageous in your life. Failures may have overshadowed it. Critics may indicate otherwise. Life’s trials may have caused you to forget it…but greatness still lives inside of you!