Welcome back to 100 Dates in Houston, a dating blog series chronicling my journey as a thirty-something woman on a quest to go on100 dates in Houston, Texas to find the love of my life. In this post, I share a winning strategy for connecting via Facebook groups, as well as my experience with “the swirl” life. If you’re new here, start with my intro post, explaining the details of this challenge. Enjoy!
A week has passed and it’s time for date #24 with The Italian. However, thanks to Facebook and this blog, a little online run-in threatened to terminate our courtship before it could begin.
A Winning Formula
I’ve mentioned the power of Facebook groups before here. With a few properly positioned posts, a group can offer a great alternative to the endless swiping of dating apps. Not to mention, a person’s social media activity has the potential to tell a story and allow for better vetting.
A wise man once said, “Don’t waste your time chasing butterflies. Mend your garden and the butterflies will come.”
Every once in a blue moon, I’ll use a Facebook group to mend my proverbial dating garden and draw in the butterflies.
Here’s an example of the first time I leveraged a Facebook travel group and met PYT, the youngin’ I mentioned in Almost Doesn’t Count.
See what I did there?
Made simple, this is the formula:
- Ask a clear, concise question relevant to the group.
- Include your best, well-lit, and non-filtered photos.
- Wrap up the post with a little flirtation, letting the group know you’re single and taking bae applications.
- Sit back and wait for the butterflies to come.
That formula has yet to fail me! I find answers to my pressing questions, while the men find their way to my DM’s.
A Crazy Coincidence
A few days after my first date with The Italian, I was itching to find an Afro-beats class and figured one of my Houston-based Facebook groups might be a good source for suggestions.
I took to the group and posted my winning formula.
Here’s a screenshot.
Just a few hours after making the post, a message pinged my phone and threw me for a loop.
Along with a screenshot of my photo above, the Italian sent me a text.
“Opened FB and this was the first post. Now reading the comments, curious about this 100 Dates in Houston diary.”
😳😬
What were the chances? Although we had met through Tinder, apparently my date and I were members of the same Facebook group. The algorithm had algorithmed and made my post the first to show up on his feed. A few of my readers happened to share love for my blog in the comments section, catching the attention of The Italian.
Cards on the Table
Welp. Don’t be scary now. Time to tell him about your little writing hobby I thought to myself.
While I’m not ashamed of my blog, I generally don’t share it with men until we’ve successfully enjoyed at least two dates and I think they may be around for a bit.
This time, I’d need to show my hand a bit earlier and lay my cards on the table.
I shared a link to my very first post, Love is a Number’s Game, so he would understand this wasn’t some plot to milk one hundred free meals from one hundred unsuspecting men.
The Italian jumped into my writing right away, texting that he was already intrigued by the introduction. He liked the concept of trial and error, as well as the systematic approach I’d taken to dating.
I exhaled to myself, Good. It didn’t run him off.
And then the tide turned. . .
“Question. What kind of experiment am I? Asking because you state very clearly what your phenotype is and it’s all but me.”
I was lost. What exactly was he talking about?
If you’re an OG subscriber, you already know the one phenotypic characteristic that matters most to me. According to that standard, The Italian was qualified. 🙃
I replied to his message, “How about we have a conversation about it?” This was not a discussion for text.
Race Enters the Chat
On my way to salsa class, I called The Italian hoping for answers about the mystery phenotype he’d mentioned.
“I’m not sure what you meant. If you ask any of my friends, they’ll tell you there’s only one physical feature that really matters to me.” I joked with him about my preference for intact hairlines.
The Italian went on to clarify that in my introductory post to this blog, I’d mentioned it would be easy to connect with “my type of guy”. My exact words were:
“Not to mention, the Black people here are thriving! In theory, this means it should be easier to connect with my type of guy.”
I’d completely forgotten I’d written it — or perhaps I hadn’t considered how it might come across to a non-Black man.
Black Love?
I love Black love. I value everything about it and what it represents to our community. At the same time, I’ve always been open to dating outside my race. Preferences aside and statistically speaking, there simply aren’t enough straight Black men to go around for straight Black women in the US. The way I see it, some of us will have to face three options: 1) Remain single. 2) Join the likes of Nick Cannon’s babies’ mamas and share the men. Or 3) Open up our options and “marry out.”
As a womanist, I’m a fan of Black women doing whatever we need to do to survive and thrive. The Black community will have to understand. 🤷🏾♀️ I don’t advise my sisters to “divest” as some suggest. Nor do I suggest they target other races. That’s weird – White men are not our saviors. 🥴 However, I do encourage an open mind and heart as the way to approach love.
Despite my openness to interracial dating, I’ve only romantically connected with a handful of non-Black men in my lifetime. Even fewer have made it to the dating stage.
So when I alluded to “my type of guy” being a thriving Black man, I suppose somewhere not so deep down in my subconscious, I assumed I would end up with a melanated king one day. Who knows? 🤷🏾♀️
I explained to my suitor that Black men constitute a majority of my dating history, however, I’m open to dating men of all races.
A Pebble in My Shoe
The Italian’s response felt to my conscious the way a tiny pebble caught in the sole of your sneaker would feel to your foot — uncomfortable and weird, but not enough to stop walking.
He told me he didn’t want to be a part of an experiment because things are not working with the (Black) men I usually date.
“If that’s the case, it’ll never work” he proclaimed.
Excuse me? What?
It felt jarring for a White man to speak with such matter-of-factness about my possible dating woes with the Black male collective. Similar conversations have set dumpster fires within Black social circles and my pro-Black side wondered if a White man should even be allowed to enter such a discussion. But my human side knew it was reasonable and fair for him to ensure he wasn’t being objectified as a tool to combat my presumed failures with Black men.
The Italian went on. He explained how he’s open to dating women of all backgrounds and doesn’t factor in color but instead focuses on alignment of values and what’s inside.
This was beginning to feel like an “I don’t see color” conversation — which is problematic on many levels. My pro-Blackness rose and I felt compelled to challenge the Italian a bit.
“I think it’s important to acknowledge a person’s race and all that comes with it. For Black people in this country, there’s a lot of history tied to race. And that can’t be overlooked.”
“Yes, but we can’t focus so much on what’s happened in the past. We have to move forward.”
That pebble underneath my shoe grew larger and larger.
Amongst Black company — in Black spaces, I will agree that as a collective, we must heal ourselves and move forward from the racial trauma of our past. But, White people don’t get to tell us when or how to heal from the trauma of the past — or the present, for that matter. Systemic and institutional racism is still alive and well.
I wasn’t comfortable with the Italians’ statement. However, I wouldn’t write him off just yet. I suspected we were experiencing more of a cultural collision than cultural disrespect.
During my twenties, I’d once worked as an au pair in Europe, living with a Spanish family. The mother of the family loved to host international friends at her home. That summer, I sat for many dinners with Europeans of various nationalities. I remember the way they discussed race relations. It was consistently open and very direct, yet respectful and fair.
With that as my reference, I continued my discussion with The Italian. We eventually found common ground and agreed that acknowledging and understanding a person’s racial experience is an important part of knowing them.
The Verdict
Our conversation was cut short by the start of my salsa class. I rushed off the phone and told him we’d chat later.
I wasn’t quite sure how I felt following my discussion with the Italian. Race can be such a heavy topic and it was so early on in our relationship. The internet girlies who are “down with the swirl” never mentioned this part. Was this the typical interracial dating experience?
Although some of what he’d stated felt prickly, The Italian was respectful and authentic. One more date wouldn’t hurt to help me get clear on my feelings.
What do you think about The Italian’s comments so far? Will we make it? Drop a comment below and let me know what you think. As always, if you’re enjoying this content, feel free to tap the “Buy me a coffee” or share this post with a friend to further support this project.
P.S. Did you know that I wrote a journal? I created The Confidence Project Journal for self-reflective women who love journaling and luxury experiences. The luxury VIP package includes 52 journal prompts, a signature gold pen, a gold metal bookmark, a confidence playlist, and souvenir packaging. Click here to purchase your copy!
His comment ” Yes, but we can’t focus so much on what’s happened in the past. We have to move forward.” Bothered me because I’m like, ” So he is totally unaware of what’s been happening in the VERY PRESENT with Black people in this country?” and this is what gives me pause to date outside my race, cause I don’t have the energy to explain this! And I bet many of the internet girlies that are ” down with the swirl” probably love statements like this, as a sort of confirmation of living in a color blind world fantasy, that really doesn’t exist. I understand why you and other Black women are open to interracial dating. It’s something I’ve toyed with as I’ve been Pro=Black Love for a while, but I’ve had to face the hard reality it’s not enough straight Black men to go around. But I’ve had to ask myself do I wanna have these tough race discussions? Will I have to explain why I’m mad at the next police shooting? Will he be a true ally? I’ve seen Black women influencers have Non-Black partners who are allies , who offer support, marching right along with them, so it give me hope it can work. I don’t think one more date with the Italian will hurt. Will more tough race discussions come up? Can you truly just be two humans who simply align on values and interest? I’m curious to see how it plays out. Waiting on the edge of my seat for the next installment!
Ugh! Sorry this posted twice. I accidently hit submit more than once