I woke up this past Sunday morning to a message from my girlfriend. “All women need to watch this.” She went on to share with me about the TikTok series that is sweeping through the internet quicker than COVID in 2020. Who TF Did I Marry is a fifty-part TikTok series released last week by creator ReesaTeesa. Yes, you read that correctly – FIFTY parts, most of which are 10 minutes long. In the series, Reesa shares the story of meeting, marrying, and divorcing her pathological liar ex-husband.
I spent that morning tuning into the first few episodes. By the third part of the series, I was hooked. I listened on the way to church. After church, I listened while waiting for my groceries to be delivered to the curbside pickup at HEB. I listened on the way home. I paused only to go to brunch, during which another girlfriend mentioned that she had been up until 4 am the night before listening to a crazy story on TikTok with fifty parts. ReesaTeesa had gotten to her too! Although it’s longer than a Netflix mini-series, Who TF did Marry was spreading like wildfire! And rightfully so. Reesa’s memory and storytelling is phenomenal. The way she recounted every small detail going way back to 2020 is astounding. My brain could never.😵💫
As I listened, I realized that this was not just another TikToker sharing a wild story for likes and views; this was a full-blown trauma narrative. As a therapist, I’ve facilitated many clients in sharing and releasing the stories of their trauma. The process can be grueling. However if one can stay the course, on the other side is a release of years – sometimes decades – of pressure and pain.
While many viewers mentioned that they would never expose themselves in such a way, Reesa confirmed that telling her story was cathartic. She shared with us the trauma of a miscarriage, a lackluster engagement, infidelity, and broken promise after broken promise. Apparently, her ex would lie to her for no other reason than the sheer joy of seeing her disappointed time and time again. 🥺 Her sharing was not some shameless bid for attention; we were witnessing a woman’s attempt to heal from a year and a half of manipulation and mental abuse. I commend her bravery.
In addition to processing her trauma, Reesa told her story as a cautionary tale. She mentioned that she was willing to look stupid (her words) if it meant helping just one woman avoid what she went through. Here are some lessons we can learn from her story . . .
1. LISTEN TO YOUr INTUITION.
If you’re a fan of my 100 Dates in Houston Blog Series, you know that I’m a bigger pusher of female intuition. It is our superpower as women. From the very beginning of her story, Reesa mentioned feeling stressed and anxious, without being able to put her finger on why. Her intuition was screaming at her, yet she refused to listen.
As I’ve mentioned many times, intuition is not magic. It’s the product of your lived experiences stored in your subconscious and manifested in feelings. If a woman says, “I have a bad feeling about this,” it’s because she’s likely seen a similar dynamic in the past and is registering that information through feelings of dis-ease. Intuition can almost always be tracked back to a legitimate logical reason when necessary. However, many times we fail to take the time to sift through and understand our feelings. Instead, we write them off and submit to labels of being “emotional” or “too much”.
In a world that values masculine outputs such as productivity, accumulation of wealth, and conquering, the feminine is largely undermined. We’re told to be more logical and less emotional. We’re told that feelings shouldn’t guide our decisions. These messages couldn’t be more problematic.
Feelings inform every aspect of our lives. While they may not be the sole determinant of our actions, they should inform them. Although Reesa had no solid facts on which to stand at the beginning of her time with Legion (a fitting nickname btw), her feelings told her everything she needed to know. She could have spared herself loads of pain and grief had she valued her feelings more.
If you’re unsure of how to build your intuition, start by printing out this feelings wheel and checking in with it wheel daily. Identify your emotions and exactly why are feeling that way. This will build your self-awareness.
2. Never do relationships in isolation.
Reesa mentioned that she stopped sharing about her relationship with her family and friends due to feelings of embarrassment. Plans to buy a home and have a wedding fell through time and time again and she began to feel shame about her predicament, so she stopped talking. Her ex even told her mother to give her space and not to call her for about a week after a D&C following their miscarriage. Chiiiile, WHAT?! 😳 Osteen Rodriguez (my mother) would have told him exactly where to go. 🔥🔥
While I certainly understand Reesa’s sentiments of embarrassment, I advise against her actions. The people who love you most need to interact with your partner. When things hit the fan, someone needs to be your sounding board – even if it’s a therapist – to keep you sane. Conversely, bottling up negative feelings and isolating leads to physical and mental distress.
One of the hallmarks of abuse is isolation. Oftentimes, the perpetrator isolates his target away from support so that he can do damage with as little resistance as possible. A woman who is surrounded by love and care is much less likely to be bamboozled than a woman who is alone.
3. heal your trauma
I was almost moved to tears when Reesa shared why she ignored the lies and manipulation for months. With pain in her eyes, she admitted that all of her decisions in that relationship, including her decision to get married, were made out of fear. She explicitly expressed that was afraid to go through quarantine alone. She was afraid of being lonely. As a Christian, she was afraid that she might never get married.
Many fail to realize that fear of being alone is a trauma response that can go as far back as childhood. In the therapy that I provide at Serenity Wellness and Therapy, we call it a “loneliness burden”. Fear of being alone can also be tied to religious conditioning, which states that a person needs to be married to resolve their sexuality and be right with God. The result is desperately seeking connection by any means necessary.
Strangely enough, in some cruel, paradoxical twist, fear of being alone often keeps people alone. One can spend years hopping from unhealthy relationship to unhealthy relationship, never finding a lasting and satisfying partnership. If they’re not relationship hopping, they’re stuck feeling disconnected, confused, and unhappy with an unsuitable partner – emotionally alone, but physically together.
If you know that you carry a fear of being alone, start unpacking that trauma now. Don’t allow it to cost you more years of healthy connection.
Here are some signs that you might be carrying a loneliness burden:
- A series of situationships in your relationship history.
- Co-dependency or over-reliance on others in your relationship.
- Engaging in sex in the hopes of establishing connection and love.
- Feelings of depression, loneliness, and unworthiness.
- Unsatisfying relationships.
- Emotional or physical neglect or abandonment during childhood.
I sincerely hope ReesaTeesa has achieved the closure she needs to move forward and take care of herself. What a story!
Your call to action
And now, I’m reminding you to take care of yourself. If you’re a single person in the dating pool, please don’t internalize the trauma of this story. Social media has a way of filtering and highlighting the worst of the worst of people. While I believe it is an important one, this is still just ONE story. Most people will never encounter a pathological liar of this magnitude. Rather than allowing her story to stir up fear and skepticism about dating, allow it to remind you to check in with yourself. Build your intuition and invite her to protect you as you date. She won’t lead you astray!
If you’re a resident of Texas or New Jersey and need assistance unpacking your relationship trauma in therapy, book a free consultation with me here. I would love to assist you on your journey. ~Kaity
P.S. Did you know that I wrote a journal? I created The Confidence Project Journal for self-reflective women who love journaling and luxury experiences. The luxury VIP package includes 52 journal prompts, a signature gold pen, a gold metal bookmark, a confidence playlist, and souvenir packaging. Click here to purchase your copy!
Chaiiiiiiiii …the loneliness burden is so real.