Welcome back to 100 Dates in Houston, a dating blog series chronicling my journey to go on 100 dates in Houston, Texas to find the love of my life. If you’re new here, start with my intro post, explaining the details of this challenge. Today, I share part two of my story with Blasian Bae and share the aftermath of our courageous conversation, as well as my attempt at accountability. Enjoy!
Did you feel a tiny bit of limerence from the cliffhanger ending to my New Orleans fairytale? I promised I wouldn’t leave you hanging for long. Here’s how my courageous conversation with Blasian Bae went down.
After sharing my feelings for him, I explained to Blasian Bae that I wasn’t looking for a commitment from him at that moment. I only wanted more clarity about his feelings and intentions. Were we dating with a purpose again, or were we just friends who traveled together and flirted occasionally?
He answered my question with a question. “What is dating beyond two people getting to know each other?” he asked. According to him, we were dating.
“Yes, but intention matters. We need to be on the same page. I don’t even know how you feel about me. I could assume based on your actions, but that’s just an assumption. And we play ourselves when we make assumptions. That’s how situationships happen. We need both actions and words to be clear.”
That explanation made sense to Blasian Bae.
“I like you, Kaity.” he clarified. “And to me, this is dating.
He also revealed a bit more about himself, explaining why I found him difficult to read. While he feels them just as we all do, Blasian Bae clarified he doesn’t express his emotions often. “And remember,” he added, “you were the one who cut things off to begin with.”
“Yes, and I admitted that was a mistake.”
Grown-up dating
We began to sort out our faith differences – the original reason why we had stopped dating the previous summer.
I explained to him why it would be vital for me to share my faith with my life partner. Then, I answered his questions about what sharing my faith might look like practically.
Is this what grown-up dating is supposed to be? Real conversations about values and things that matter? I thought to myself. 🤔
My courageous conversation had done its job. I received the clarity I needed about the direction we were going. We also began to peel back the layers of a high-priority value of mine.
That night, Blasian Bae volunteered to visit a church in his neighborhood the following Sunday so we could talk about his experience afterward. I hadn’t expected it. Nor had I asked for it, but I was happy to know he was willing.
At the moment, we were in a good space. But I noted my date’s resistance to expressing emotions. That resistance, paired with our infrequent communication, had initially left me unclear and uncomfortable. Was Blasian Bae emotionally available? 🤔Only time could tell.
Pink flags
I wish I could report a happy ending to my New Orleans fairy tale, but that would be too simple. In the weeks following our conversation, our connection seemed to crumble slowly away.
It began with Blasian Bae failing to follow through on his word. He didn’t attend church the following Sunday or the next few Sundays after that. But he did travel and work a good bit. 🤔 Perhaps I could give him a pass? I didn’t fixate on the issue. After all, faith can’t be forced. However, I noticed how my date didn’t keep his word. That matters to me.
Then there was my birthday. I invited Blasian Bae to fly in and stay at my home for my 40th birthday pool party. Although he traveled nearly every other weekend for pleasure, he didn’t make my party. I was disappointed. Once again, it was forgivable but not unnoticed.
In addition to missing my birthday, there was the fact that we rarely spoke on the phone – and if we did, I initiated the call. Blasian Bae claimed he didn’t need to talk on the phone much. His preferred method of connection was in person. It was also my preferred method; however, our distance made regular in-person dates impossible. In long-distance dating, phone calls are a lifeline. Without them, a relationship can feel non-existent. One phone call every few weeks wouldn’t work for me. I told him I wanted to speak more, but our communication patterns remained unchanged. The pink flags were slowly turning red.
After I realized Blasian Bae and I weren’t quite aligned in our desires for connection, I pulled back my energy a bit. After all, we weren’t exclusively dating, so there were no obligations. I wanted a man who wanted to connect with me as much as I wanted to connect with him – one who would show up and whose value for me was unquestionable. I wouldn’t send him on his way, but I also wouldn’t continue to tend a fruitless garden.
Playing Games
As it often does in the dating game, the absence of my energy seemed to pull Blasian Bae in. After a few days of radio silence, he came in hot with a text sure to catch my attention.
“Hello there…just had you on my mind. I was this 🤏 close to adding you as my companion for my flight benefits. Maybe next year. 😘”
Sir, what? I thought to myself. Why would he tell me that? Instantly, my blood began to boil.
Was this man trying to play in my face? He knew I loved to travel and would have wanted to travel with him. I wasn’t expecting the companion pass, but I would have been thrilled to receive it. His message felt cruel, but not because he hadn’t gifted me the pass – I wasn’t owed that. However, why did Blasian Bae seem pleased to tell me he hadn’t chosen me?
And so commenced the beginning of the end . . .
At first, I played it cool.
“Oh, I’m sure *insert male friend’s name* will be much better than a beautiful woman to cuddle up with. Have fun. 😘” I let my sarcasm have its way.
“Someone sounds a little salty,” he teased back.
“Why would I be salty? You can choose whoever you want.” I wasn’t about to give him the satisfaction of my vulnerable emotions.
As Coach Joyice had advised me, vulnerability and authenticity require energy. They are reserved for people who demonstrate an ability to handle both with care. My vulnerability reserve had run dry. It didn’t feel like Blasian Bae was handling me with care.
I eventually told Blasian Bae that while I didn’t expect him to choose me, I was surprised by his lack of empathy in telling me he had chosen not to gift me with a resource he knew I valued. Choose who you wanna, but keep it to yo’self! 🤷🏾♀️
“I thought you would be excited I even thought of you.”
Negro, please. That’s what came to mind first.
I will never know the tone through which Blasian Bae sent his message, but the idea that I would be grateful just to be considered felt ridiculous to me. It gave self-absorbed and inconsiderate.
Blasian Bae went on to clarify that a registered companion is quite a commitment because it’s permanent for a year and is also connected to his employee record. His consideration meant he trusted me – a big deal in his world.
But to me, this was akin to a man saying, “Hey, I love you soooo much I almost bought you this engagement ring, but —maybe next year.” It’s the thought that counts, right? 🙄
To his credit, Blasian Bae eventually apologized and acknowledged that, though unintended, his actions may have felt like taunting.
And I forgave him – but I didn’t forget. After that incident, I began to question his emotional capacity and ability to handle me with care.
No Laughing MATTER
In the following weeks, I cracked a few jokes about the situation here and there. I figured we had recovered. It would be ok to make light of the whole ordeal, right?
But boy, was I wrong. 😑
One night, during a rare phone call, I joked about the companion pass debacle using a touch of sarcasm and dry humor. Admittedly, it was a jab. But I thought, given his playful nature, Blasian Bae could handle the joke. That was NOT the case. He didn’t appreciate my humor and quickly fell silent. To him, my jokes felt like shame.
Not gonna lie – it was all wild to me. Somehow, I had become the problem in the companion pass debacle.
But I put my feelings aside. After noticing the shift in Blasian Bae’s tone on the call, I followed up the next morning with an apology. Intentions don’t nullify impact, and one of the many lessons I’ve learned through my couples therapy work is that defensiveness only worsens conflict. Accountability, on the other hand, is a powerful remedy. So, I would acknowledge my transgression – even if it felt like Blasian Bae was being a bit sensitive. I hadn’t intended to shame him, but I know I can be slick at the mouth sometimes – it’s one thing I thought he liked about me. Men always claim to want a lil’ spice, but very few can take the heat.🙄 And apparently, I’m not the only one to feel this way. 👇🏾
THE final straw
And after my apology, guess what happened?
Do you know that man didn’t even acknowledge my apology? My text remained unanswered for about two days as my concern slowly morphed into anger.
I waited another day to follow up. “Good morning. I’m not sure how any of this is landing on you. Did you want to talk about it?”
I didn’t blow up his phone or send an “I just think it’s funny how” message. I wanted to respect that he might have needed space to process his feelings.
But where was his consideration for mine or his desire to reconcile?
The way Blasian Bae ignored me and my apology for days, one might have thought I had called him everything but a child of God. It felt painful to be ignored and tossed to the side in such a way.
The Blasian Man – he’s been downgraded – and I never recovered from that setback. He texted me once or twice in the following weeks, acting as if nothing had happened, never acknowledging my apologies. But the damage had been done. I didn’t feel valued or considered.
Where was the grace for me to make a mistake and say the wrong thing? Where was his desire to reconcile in a meaningful way? Then, there was the fact that I had to pull his feelings out of him. It was all too much emotional laboring with no real reward. It wasn’t the way I would want my husband to handle me.
I had tried my best. I gave grace, took accountability, apologized, and attempted to be vulnerable. But instead of growing closer, The Blasian Man and I remained miles apart. I never sent him the dreaded “we’re not a fit text.” I simply let our candle slowly burn out – and so did he.
Another one bites the dust. It be like that sometimes.
Check back soon to find out where my journey takes me next!
Blasian Bae has officially been downgraded to The Blasian Man. What did you think of our little story? Would you have let the connection fade or tried to rescue it? I want to hear from you in the comments!
P.S. Did you know that I wrote a journal? I created The Confidence Project Journal for self-reflective women who love journaling and luxury experiences. The luxury VIP package includes 52 journal prompts, a signature gold pen, a gold metal bookmark, a confidence playlist, and souvenir packaging. Click here to purchase your copy! It’s a great Christmas gift!
You captured this BRILLANTLY! As a mother of only sons and a sister to only brothers, I can attest that women may emote more with emotional setbacks (as in be more expressive) but men typically have a harder time toward the recovery in such matters. I think that makes us both “sensitive” but the gag is that that word is delivered as an intentional jab (usually against women), when both exhibit this trait and only one party typically bears the resiliency and buoyancy required toward reconciliation. I am proud of you for owning your mess and remaining present AND engaged in the work of connection and relationships. I truly hoped he could have met you there. I was rooting on that and this connection but by the time this started costing you more than it ever gave, I lost my faith in him. Your ability to weather through these moments and share them with us publicly is a strength that is admired and worthy of celebration. So, cheers to you, Kaity.
I am disappointed he couldn’t meet you where you were but as they says some people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime and he wasn’t for the lifetime. You got the clarity you needed and the lesson his season in your life was to teach you. Better is coming.
Blasian Bae has officially been downgraded to The Blasian Man? I didn’t think this day would come. I wanted it to turn out different but with the circumstances, I would have let the connection fade too…with some sadness in my heart.
Not comparing the first date with 6 months later & the very thing he loved is now bothering him 👀
I’m proud of you for continuing in the journey even with the setbacks. Your dude is out there!