Welcome back to 100 Dates in Houston, a dating blog series chronicling my journey to go on 100 dates in Houston, Texas to find the love of my life. If you’re new here, start with my intro post, explaining the details of this challenge. Today, I share about date number #32 in The Big Easy, as well as my experience with a common psychological phenomenon, limerence. You may learn something new with this one. Enjoy!
A few weeks after releasing Mr. Light Eyes, I found myself headed to New Orleans for date #32 He was an old flame and one of our favorite dates so far, Blasian Bae! We’d maintained a friendship and back in March, he even returned to Houston in celebration of my closing on my house. We would text here and there, flirted occasionally, and got along well. But I was never quite clear on exactly where Blasian Bae stood with me. Was he trying to spin the block?
Although I was confused about the status of our relationship, one thing very clear was that we both loved to travel, eat and explore. After a few failed date attempts to other cities, we agreed to meet in New Orleans and enjoy the food, folklore, and festivities.
Blasian Bae and I had a beautiful time over in The Big Easy. We ate beignets at the world-famous Cafe du Monde and enjoyed my favorite char-grilled oysters at Acme Oyster House. Of course, we shopped at the French market, where I purchased my 5th pair of one-of-a-kind earrings handmade by Oscar of New Orleans.
A HAUNTED CARRIAGE RIDE
During the first night of our trip, Blasian Bae convinced me to put on my big girl britches and join him for a haunted carriage ride. As we passed some of the most notorious buildings in the city, we learned about the French Quarter being constructed on top of a graveyard. And then there were the ghost stories. I won’t easily forget Zach and Addie, a couple who are said to haunt the Omni Royal Orleans Hotel. If you want to toss and turn all night, look up their true story the next time you plan a trip to NOLA.
Click. Clack. Click. Clack. Our donkey-drawn carriage made its way through the French Quarter as our overly animated tour guide – likely high on something – recounted the eerie details of each ghost story. Blasian Bae put his arm around me and cracked jokes while I winced at the horrid details.
The Blue Crab
Perhaps the highlight of our trip was dinner at The Blue Crab Restaurant. While overlooking the sunset on Lake Pontchartrain, we delighted in the most savory Louisiana crab claws, sauteed in a secret Louisiana creamy sauce and served up with a cheese biscuit to sop up all the juices. 🤤 For the first time in our one-year friendship, Blasian Bae let down a few of his walls and told me about his family. He was normally a jolly guy who never appeared to have a bad day. But during that dinner, I saw the side of him that feels sorrow and pain as we all do.
As he shared about his family, I shared about my PhD aspirations. He talked through my theories with me and encouraged me to take my expertise to the next level. The emotional intimacy we shared during dinner, paired with the beautiful sunset, made the little girl in me do a happy dance.
But the fun didn’t stop there. After dinner, we made our way down to Bourbon Street and partied the rest of the night away. I rode a mechanical bull for 22.5 seconds, while he cheered me on.
We club-hopped and danced to the live bands, sipping on hurricanes and laughing with strangers.
Thinking Out Loud
On our way back to the hotel, a familiar tune played on the radio as we strolled past a souvenir shop on Canal Street.
“When your legs don’t work like they used to before”
Blasian Bae grabbed by hand.
“And I can’t sweep you off of your feet.”
He sang the lyrics and twirled me around.
“Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?”
“Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?”
We danced down the block and across the street, singing, laughing, and making merry to one of my favorite love songs, “Thinking Out Loud”, by Ed Sheeran. I’ve imagined it as one of my wedding songs. I suppose Canal Street will have to do for now.
As Blasian Bae sang the lyrics to the song and danced with me, I wondered if he was also sending a message. Was he “thinking out loud?” Or was I simply being a girl, caught in the moment, reading too far into things?
Love Or Limerence?
In the days following our trip, Blasian Bae and I went back to texting here and there. I found myself smiling whenever I thought about our trip. I missed him.
Realizing I had it bad one day, I called Loriel asking, “Am I in love or something? I can’t stop thinking about this man!”
But it wasn’t love. It was limerance. And I’m almost embarrassed to admit it.
What’s limerance, you ask? According to Oxford, limerence is the state of being infatuated or even obsessed with another person. 😬It’s an involuntary state that involves a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings. It can also involve an overly positive evaluation and persistent thoughts of the other person. Limerance is different from love in that it requires a level of uncertainty in order to develop. It can also feel unstable and anxiety-inducing.
My limerence was mild. I wasn’t obsessed, but I was certainly preoccupied in the days following our New Orleans date. I couldn’t get a read on how Blasian Bae truly felt about me. What exactly were we doing? He had invited me on a trip. During our trip, he repeatedly called me “beautiful”. He was flirty and a bit touchy-feely. It was clear he enjoyed spending time with me. However, he also told me about dates with other women and how complicated women can be. He never mentioned how he felt about me or his intentions for our time together. Our last relationship conversation a year earlier had resulted in him telling me he felt friendship was best.
Needless to say, I was doing hella girl math in my head.
And there was also this inexplicable feeling that Blasian Bae was just a bit disconnected. He wasn’t standoffish or rude – just content to remain in his own emotional world. He would welcome me there if I asked to join, but never attempted to come join mine. A few days after our trip, I even told him I missed him. In response, he cracked a lighthearted joke but never returned the sentiment. True to form, Blasian Bae kept it light, easy, and emotionally vague.
As women, we tend to know when a man is developing real feelings. Whether it be the admiration of his gaze, his desire to be present, or the expression of his words, usually there are clear indicators. But Blasian Bae somehow kept me guessing. And that uncertainty is what created my limerence. It’s no different than the uncertainty that keeps a gambler hooked on slot machines. Each pull of the lever creates a new possibility for reward — or disappointment. In psychology we call it intermittent reinforcement. At best, it’s a highly powerful motivator. At worst, it’s an abusive manipulation tactic.
Clarity over confusion
“Be a woman who chooses clarity over confusion.”
This is a line I’ve spoken more than a few times in my therapy practice. As a therapist, it’s not my job to render advice to my clients; however, from time to time I bend the rules. Whenever a client finds herself with relationship anxiety due to some form of uncertainty, I challenge her to choose clarity and ask questions that will eventually give her the answers she needs.
Being vulnerable and asking for what you want or need is a valuable relationship skill. Seeking clarity on the status of a relationship doesn’t make a woman desperate. On the contrary, it makes her smart. As a former coach of mine would say, “You’re only thirsty if you’re thirsty.”
You see, one of two things will happen when a woman asks for clarity. 1) She’ll get exactly what she wants or needs. Or 2), she’ll gain intel to help her make her next move. Either way, she moves the needle away from confusion and stagnation and towards action and resolve.
Siutationships happen when people linger in confusion, living based on assumptions or fear of rocking the boat. It was time for me to take my own advice, go against the recommendations of the social media dating gurus, and have my version of the “what are we” conversation. 😬
What are We?
About two weeks after our trip. I called up Blasian Bae. After shooting the breeze for a bit, I cut to the chase.”
“I’ve been feeling a little confused since our trip,” I confessed. “I really like you (Blasian Bae). I even find myself missing you. But I don’t know how you feel about me or what we’re doing here.”
I rolled my eyes to myself, at myself. Part of me hated that I was being so vulnerable without any clear indication that he felt the same. But that’s the thing about vulnerability. Someone has to go first.
I hate to do this to you, but I’m going to have to stop here! Check back next week to find out how my courageous conversation went!
Until Next Time!
P.S. Did you know that I wrote a journal? I created The Confidence Project Journal for self-reflective women who love journaling and luxury experiences. The luxury VIP package includes 52 journal prompts, a signature gold pen, a gold metal bookmark, a confidence playlist, and souvenir packaging. Click here to purchase your copy! It’s a great Christmas gift!
😮 You left us hanging waiting to hear Blasian Bae’s response? Are you trying to instill limerance by leaving us in uncertainty? Thank you for the new word!
I loved being swept off my feet in your description of your dreamy NOLA date/trip.
Oh no you didn’t! You and these cliffhangers! LOL..I’ve been thinking alot of the “What are we” question ,we women often ponder with men we’re dating and I started to think of the question in another way and flip it to ask myself” Why do you want it with HIM in the first place?” Like why HIM?” Is he truly aligned with what you desire? Are you really getting the kind of relationship you want? Or do you just like the attention, in love with the idea of him and the idea of being in a relationship ? Sadly for me, most of often it’s the latter. And I think of my dating coach who would always teach, for these moments of vulnerability ” Don’t be tied to the outcome”, just be ready to face the truth to know how to move forward in what is most aligned for you, because I’m learning in the end it’s not about HIM in the first place.
You’re absolutely right! It’s never really about him!
I admire your resilience and ability to keep putting yourself out there to love. How do you get the strength to keep going? I probably would have stopped after the 5th date lol. I’ve had a blasian bae type before, a good time but emotionally unavailable. It sucks because the fun times takes you to another world but your goals bring you back to reality. I love the reading the journey
So glad you enjoy reading! Honestly, what keeps me going is the commitment to getting to 100 that I talked about in my first post explaining this journey. This blog and sharing my story with you all also helps me keep going. I hope it encourages y’all to do the same! Then there’s the result that I want. An amazing relationship is worth the work to get there.