I’ve been in Houston for about a month and have gone on three dates. I’m happy to report that I had a great time on all three. At the very least, dating should be fun, right? Now, it’s time to add a fourth. 

Back in November of 2021, while traveling as a digital nomad, I chose Houston to be the second leg of my nomad journey after leaving Panama City, Panama. From the cost of living to the Black people thriving, I heard so many positive things about the city and wanted to see for myself. It went well because here we are!   

I made a few observations during the month and a half that I lived in Houston that year. My favorite was that the men seemed to approach women way more than they did in New Jersey.

The Beard

One Saturday evening, while walking through the Galleria Mall — which in my honest opinion is better than any mall I’ve been to in New Jersey or New York — I briefly locked eyes with an attractive man donning manicured locs, a healthy hairline 🙃, and a huge beard.  I’m typically not a fan of the burly, James Harden-style beards, but for some reason, it worked for this guy. He came into Aldo where I was shoe shopping to ask for my number. I liked his confidence and he seemed to have a good head on his shoulders, so I obliged.  

The Beard and I went out three times during the time I spent in Houston in 2021. We had fun on our dates and I found him intelligent, respectful, and serious about his faith. However, my feeler — otherwise known as my intuition — seemed to be trying to tell me that something might be missing.  

At times, I noticed that The Beard would refuse to answer some of my very basic questions. For example, one of my favorite topics to explore with a man is about masculine archetypes. I’ll ask, “Which describes you most? King, warrior, lover, or magician?” 

I first learned about masculine archetypes, from one of my former coaches turned friends, Joyice Robinson Myers of Match Marry Mate. Joyice is all about helping professional black women achieve their relationship goals and has had four brides in this year alone! During our work together, she stressed the importance of balance within relationships and taught us about healthy femininity, as well as masculinity. While discussing the latter, she shared a resource King, Warrior, Lover, Magician. The book takes a deep dive into masculinity throughout the ages and its premise is that every male is dominated by either king, warrior, magician, or lover energy. However, the most balanced and evolved of men possess all four.

Asking a man to identify his archetype is a fun way to learn about how he views his masculinity. It can also tell a woman a bit about how he will show up in a relationship. When The Beard refused to answer this question, stating he wouldn’t put himself into a box, it felt like a barrier to getting to know him. 

In the spirit of being transparent, I communicated I felt there was a guard blocking me from truly connecting with him. The Beard was receptive to the conversation but denied being guarded. 

I also noticed that although it had been a few weeks since our last date, he did not make it his business to see me during the last few days before I departed. In my mind, when a man is developing a romantic connection with a woman, he will desire to spend time with her whenever he can. I did not feel like The Beard was urgent to spend time with me. However, I also didn’t want to make assumptions. After all, it had only been about a month and it was too soon to draw any conclusions. 

 A few weeks after leaving Houston, I concluded whatever blockage I was sensing would make it impossible for me to maintain a connection with The Beard long distance. I sent him a text to explain where I stood and he followed up with a phone call for clarity. The conversation was respectful and mature. He told me if I ever returned to Houston, I could let him know.

So I did!

A week before leaving New Jersey, I sent The Beard a text. Admittedly, I was a bit nervous and quite unsure about whether or not he would be receptive. I had, after all, been the one to release him the first time. And now, here I was again trying to reconnect. He might be on guard after feeling rejected. He could have a whole wife by now. And finally, there was this annoying thought in my mind that kept saying, Are you sure you want to go back to a man you’ve already released? You let him go for a reason. 

Nevertheless, I persisted and sent the text. To my pleasure, The Beard was surprised to hear from me and receptive to reconnecting. 

Strangely enough, I happened to run into The Beard at Bar 5015 the night I met Hairline with Loriel. I saw him from across the room and did a double take.  

“What happened to texting me when you got to Houston,” he asked. 

“I was planning to. I just got here last week! What are you doing here?”

We smiled at each other and locked eyes for a moment. I remember how he intentionally grazed the front of my waist with the back of his hand during our very brief exchange that night. It was a gesture likely imperceptible to anyone else besides me but paired with the magic in his smile, it spoke volumes. I’m happy to see you. I’m attracted to you. You’re the only person in this room right now.

There was something about The Beard that was – just plain hot. However, I had to control myself. As we stood talking, Hairline and Loriel watched our brief exchange. There might have been a bit of palpable tension in the atmosphere.  😬

The Beard excused himself and I went on with my night, but I didn’t forget him.

A few weeks later, he reached out via text. I apologized for not contacting him sooner. I had honestly been overwhelmed and trying to gain my bearings. I had no idea I would have such a robust social life within such a short time here in Houston. In addition to dating, I’d attended the Celebrez en Rose picnic with a group of ladies, a SoFar Sounds musical performance with a new friend, and salsa socials hosted by Salsa Eddy and The Palladium. Boredom would not be a problem in Houston!

We made arrangements to connect in person and met at Postino Wine Cafe upon his recommendation. On the evening of our date, I arrived on time and The Beard arrived about 10 minutes later.  

As we settled into our table, he gave me the same intense look from before, at Bar 5015. At that moment, it all came back to me! I remembered this look. In 2021, I recall telling my friends that he looked at me like “he wanted to eat me”. He would stand super close, but never touch me, and look me in the eye with pleasure in his gaze. I suppose it was a look of lust. But strangely enough, The Beard never did or said anything overtly sexual or inappropriate. He managed to be a complete gentleman, with just a hint of edginess. The lover in me that’s attracted to chemistry and fireworks was on cloud nine. As I sat in Postino’s, locked into the intensity of his gaze, I repositioned myself in my chair to try to get a hold of myself. 

Just as I was about to ask him a boring question about work, The Beard took charge of the conversation by asking what made me reach out and what were my intentions. The man wasted no time and I loved the clear, purposeful communication!

I explained that I reached out because I enjoyed our time together in the past and appreciated how we ended things maturely. I also stated that I didn’t have any expectations going forward and was open to whatever may come. He could simply be another good contact in the city. Or, if he was single, we could see where things might go.  

The Beard explained that he was still single and would not have agreed to meet with me if he had not been. Respect. We spent the rest of the dinner discussing what went wrong in 2021, what had transpired in our lives during the past year, and our Christian walks.  

As we chatted, The Beard told me he sensed I was confident, knew what I wanted, and did not — in his words — “take shit from a man.” This was a big deal for me as a woman who has carried a Cinderella complex in the past, causing me to struggle with decision-making and focus on pleasing others more than pleasing myself. Growth is a beautiful thing. Perhaps the years of therapy, coaching, and personal development had not been in vain.

As The Beard paid for our food, I asked if he’d like to have dessert at the ice cream shop next door. We walked over to Van Leeuwen Ice Cream and I ordered a plain ole’ vanilla cone. The Beard stood directly behind me just inches away from my body – close enough to be felt, without actually feeling me. There was that intensity again.  

As I licked my ice cream cone, he watched me with a smile, shook his head, and went back to his own ice cream.  

“You know, you’re an interesting guy,” I told him.

“Why is that?”

“Well, you have these polarizations. You’re a God-fearing man. You just prayed over our food and talked about why you believe in Jesus. But you also look at me like you want to eat me.”

We were having this conversation on a bench outside of the ice cream shop. I had my legs crossed towards him and bounced my 5-inch wedge platform playfully as I enjoyed my ice cream. He put his cup of ice cream down, took his finger and ever so slightly grazed my calf.  – Help, Jesus, I thought to myself.

“Yeah. We are adults. It’s ok to express those feelings without acting on them”

Typically, I would have thought this was just talk, but The Beard had already proven his position way back in 2021. I’ve learned to trust my intuition and so I allowed him to come over for an evening of Netflix and chill. Despite looking at me like he wanted to eat me, The Beard never made a move – not even a kiss as we cuddled on my couch. It was nice to have a man come close, while still exercising discipline.   

Could I have found a unicorn in the dating world? A gentleman, with a lil’ edge? A good guy, with a tad of bad-boy energy.  

I once heard esteemed psychologist and relationship expert, Esther Perel, describe female sexuality as “massively narcissistic”. She explained that to be truly aroused, a woman must feel desirable, craved, and coveted. I felt all three with The Beard that night, so you can make of that what you will. . . 🤸🏿‍♀️

As we closed the evening, he gave me a long hug and I accidentally let out a little moan during our embrace. I got into the car and was preparing to drive off when he returned and asked me to get out of the car and walk to where he was standing about 6 feet away.  

“My seatbelt is already on” I resisted.

“That’s ok. Come give me a hug.”

I wasn’t trying to march to the tune of his drum this early in the game, so I opened my door and held out my hand, signaling for him to come and help me out of the car. I figured if he really wanted that hug, he would take a few extra steps.  

You see, femininity can be both powerful and soft. I was flexing mine and enjoying every bit of it. My position was firm, yet open. It conveyed, “I’m here, but you have to do some work.” 

I have referred to this position with my clients as “The open-hand approach.” As women, it is helpful to approach dating with an open hand. We don’t want to cling to men, refusing to release them or chasing them down for attention. We also don’t want to have a closed fist that cannot be grasped. Instead, we want to approach relationships from a position of openness, ease, and calm, like a hand that is open and waiting to be taken.  

Of course, The Beard walked over, took my hand, and went in for his second hug. I enjoyed every second of it. 

Date number 4 in Houston concluded with a sense of giddiness and excitement. I called Loriel on the way home to tell her everything; however, she was a champion for her guy, Hairline, and my excitement made her nervous. 

The Beard had entered the scene and things were getting interesting.

Be sure to subscribe and check back next week to find out what happens on date number 5. If you’re enjoying my journey so far, feel free to tap the “buy me a coffee” button so I can invest in this project and bring you even better content!

Until Next Time,

Be Blessed!

Kaity