It’s been a few days since my last date with The Beard and I’m still dazzled with excitement. I’ve been dancing around my apartment listening to Chris Brown’s Under the Influence on repeat, replaying our evening in my mind. This might be trouble…the good kind of course. 🙃

About midweek after our last date, The Beard texted me to say hello. Wasting no time, I asked him when I would see him again. He responded by saying “as soon as possible” and we agreed to meet on Saturday. 

With a vision in mind, I decided to once again try my hand at “creating the experience I wanted to have.” I wanted to feel sexy, alive, and like a woman. And I didn’t want to wait for some elusive set of circumstances to align for that to happen.

So, I told The Beard that I had a sexy dress waiting in my closet and I wanted to wear it with him, but we would need the appropriate venue for the occasion. His response was, “I’m sure we will find a place that is worthy of your dress.”

The day before our date, he texted me a few options. We settled upon Scott Gertner’s Rhythm Room with a plan to continue to a second location, Marfreless, AKA the Blue Door, if the spirit moved us. 

On the day of our date, I texted The Beard and told him that I was excited to see him. He replied that he felt the same way, causing my anticipation to rise even higher. 

A sexy playlist set the atmosphere in my apartment as I prepared for the evening.  

Rihanna’s Kiss It Better 

Beyonce’s Dance for You

Chris Brown’s Back to Sleep 

Let’s just say it was no Sunday morning ride-to-church playlist.

A woman will wear many hats during the span of her lifetime. I’ve resolved that I can be both a spirit-led Christian and a sensual being. Similar to how a man needs to possess king, warrior, magician, and lover energy, a woman needs to have access to her lover energy and her wise woman, huntress, and mother energies. Our ability to love and feel is the same dynamic that creates and gives life! It need not be shamed – simply managed. To learn more about what energy you operate in most, here’s a link to a feminine archetype quiz that I’ve referenced in previous posts.

I had no plans of taking The Beard home; however that night, I wanted to welcome sensuality and play…and that’s exactly what I did.

I laid out a midi-length leopard print slip dress with a thigh-high split. Paired with the dress were a black and gold Gucci belt, gold heels, a structured Strathberry handbag, and all lace underneath🤸🏿‍♀️🤸🏿‍♀️. I smelled like caramel and spices, wearing Bond Number 9, New York Nights as my fragrance of the evening.

The Beard arrived at Scott Gertner’s on time, while I arrived my typical 15 minutes behind schedule. He had secured a table right next to the stage, which required that I walk the entire distance of the room to get to him. As I walked towards him, I felt sexy and confident — just as a woman should feel on a date. 

He stood to greet me with a hug and a cool expression on his face. I sat next to him as we chatted about the menu and the band that was set to perform. Admittedly, Scott Gertner’s was not an ideal location for the first few early dates. We struggled to hear one another and I eventually resolved to simply be close and enjoy the music.

Despite our inability to communicate verbally, I still wanted to experience a connection with The Beard. Intimacy in a romantic partnership is important to me. Down the line, I want to be able to give my husband a look across the room that makes us both laugh without ever uttering a word.  So that night, I experimented with non-verbal communication. Periodically, I would prolong my gaze and position myself in his peripheral where I knew The Beard could sense me looking at him. It was my way of being playful and flirtatious. He never responded.

As we enjoyed the live band, I slid close to The Beard and danced in my seat, occasionally rolling my body next to his signaling him to dance along with me. Ever cool, calm, and collected, he never responded.  

We wrapped up dinner and I told The Beard that I wanted to have the chance to talk a little more, so we agreed to head over to Marfreless, a dimly lit speakeasy that I’ve since learned is also a hotspot for swingers. 😬

The second floor of Marfreless is reserved for couples, so we started there. Unfortunately, we weren’t able to find a seat. We did, however, see a woman doing a dance and other suggestive acts behind a curtain in a private nook off to the side. I wondered what I had gotten myself into as we headed back downstairs. I had wanted a sexy spot; not a sex spot! 

The Beard and I made casual conversation while seated near the bar. As I rarely know how to keep a conversation light and easy, I probed for more depth, asking about how he coped at the end of his last relationship a few years ago. Although it had been a three-year bond in which he said he experienced love, The Beard stated that it had been an easy breakup because the two simply weren’t right for one another. Call me crazy, but I’ve never witnessed the death of a long-term relationship described as “easy”.

As a woman who is intellectually curious and loves to know how people think, something led me to give The Beard a hypothetical situation and see how he might respond.  

I asked, “If you met the woman of your dreams and she happened to be casually dating another man, while she was also dating you, would you work to win her heart?”  

“Why would I do that?” he retorted. “If she’s the woman of my dreams, I wouldn’t have to compete with another man.”

Theoretically, I understood where the man was coming from. As a psychotherapist, I agree that we should not have to audition, perform or fight to be seen or valued within our relationships. However, as a woman and human being, I know what it means to be all in for something that you want, even if it means you may lose in the end. There’s a vast difference between being all in for the sake of love and begging someone to choose you.

I made another observation that evening. Ever since meeting The Beard, I noticed that he would always answer that his day had been “amazing”…EVERY SINGLE TIME. When asked how he felt about me reaching back out to him, he stated he had no feelings about it. The end of his 3-year relationship had been “easy” and his dream girl was not worth working for. All of my data points indicated that this man was unwilling to be vulnerable.

As the evening continued, I noticed that our conversation shifted from one another to people-watching the other parties. There were long pauses followed by disjointed conversation. Something had shifted between us.  

As we exited Marfreless, The Beard escorted me to my car with no words. I held onto his arm for support as I walked through the gravel parking lot in my 4.5-inch heels. He chuckled as if amused, but did not share why. We hugged goodnight and just before parting ways I told him I would text him when I arrived home. It was 2 am and I had a 45-minute ride home. 

I’ll be honest, even though I’m totally embarrassed to admit it. On the way home, I teared up a bit. I couldn’t understand how a date that started with so much anticipation could fall so flat.  Everything in me told me that The Beard was not my guy. Already, I was beginning to become exhausted with dating in Houston. Don’t judge me!

Trying not to let my feelings rule me, I texted The Beard when I arrived home and thanked him for his time. It was a sincere thank you. I figure when someone spends time – a most valuable asset – on you, it generally warrants appreciation. However, he did not respond to my message. Perhaps he had fallen asleep shortly after arriving home? But I didn’t hear from him the next morning either. He finally responded sometime the next evening. I took his lack of enthusiasm and follow-up to mean that his interest had faded.

Time to shave the beard

After a week of no contact from The Beard, I texted him for closure. I stated that we both must have felt a shift, but no hard feelings if we ran into one another. I won’t go into the confusing details, but I will say that his response to that text felt like a combination of gaslighting and denial. Somehow, according to him, I had been the one who had been uninterested — even though I had reached out to thank him and let him know I made it home after the date. He went so far as to say I never contacted him, even though I had receipts to prove I had in fact reached out and, though delayed, he had responded. Something wasn’t adding up. Confused by some of his points, I called him for clarity.

As I attempted to follow along with his train of thought, I figured there may have been some form of breakdown in communication. So I asked if he wanted to start over and try to move past the misunderstanding. 

As women, we’re so programmed for this approach. “Let’s talk this over. Let’s do the work.” In essence, we’re often willing to overwork ourselves and go beyond halfway to do the work of the other party all for the sake of connection. It’s not a terrible thing. We are hardwired for connection and relating. It comes easy to many of us. The problem is when we encounter a potential match that is unwilling to reciprocate. 

“It’s up to you,” he replied. Once again, there was a lack of vulnerability and emotional investment. Saying what we want, especially if there is a chance we won’t receive it, is a form of vulnerability. At that moment, I was genuinely unsure about what happened between us and whether or not we should move forward. I looked to him for direction and received no feedback. 

In one last effort to be transparent, I communicated that I needed someone who would be invested in the outcome of our relationship and would like for him to have an opinion – one way or the other. The Beard left the decision entirely up to me. So I decided to close the door. A man who is unwilling to tell me what he wants concerning me is not the man for me. 

Could I have been wrong about The Beard? Maybe he did have the capacity for vulnerability. Perhaps he was still interested and the inconsistencies were simply all in my mind.  Maybe my data points were all off too. It’s possible that what felt like gaslighting was something entirely different. 

However, I’ve learned not to ignore my feelings. Feelings develop intuition and a woman’s intuition is a superpower. That evening, my superpower was telling me that The Beard was emotionally unavailable. Unlike many times in the past, I would not be shutting off my intuition for the sake of holding onto a man.  

A renewed mindset

My tears driving home from date  #5 were not about The Beard per se, but more so about the process of dating in general. How is one supposed to be excited, open, and curious about the possibilities, while also maintaining no expectations as well as remaining unbothered when things don’t go well? I had been out with three men. Two were out of alignment with my needs, and the last, Hairline, seemed to waiver in his interest and did not feel promising.

Would this perpetual disappointment always be the case? Maybe I should just throw in the towel now and give up on love as I had contemplated many times before.

Shortly, after date #5 with The Beard, I came across the Alex Hormozi TikTok which was the inspiration for this blog. I realized that although it was normal and completely human of me to be discouraged after just five dates in a new city, it would not serve me to remain in that mental space on my quest to find a life-long partnership. Rather than holding onto the fairytale that my guy would sweep me off my feet after just one month in Houston, I decided to endeavor toward 100 Dates in Houston. This would be a marathon; not a sprint. 

Be sure to subscribe and check back next week to find out what happens on date number 6. If you’re enjoying my journey so far, feel free to tap the “buy me a coffee” button so I can invest in this project and bring you even better content!

Until Next Time,

Be Blessed!

Kaity

P.S.  Did you know that I wrote a journal? The Confidence Project Journal was created for self-reflective women who love journaling and luxury experiences. The luxury VIP package includes 52 journal prompts, a signature gold pen, a gold metal bookmark, a confidence playlist, and souvenir packaging.  Click here to purchase your copy!