Welcome back to 100 Dates in Houston, a dating blog series chronicling my journey as a thirty-something woman on a quest to100 dates in Houston, Texas. My goal is to connect with the love of my life. If you’re new here, start with my intro post. It explains the details of this challenge. In today’s post, I get vulnerable and ask one of my suitors for what I want — even if it may cost me my pride. Let’s see what happens.
Spin the Block
Have you been waiting in suspense? Well, I won’t keep you waiting any longer. Let’s jump back in. Remember, I decided to spin the block with Blasian Bae. My plan was to ask him if he would be willing to revisit the idea of us – even though I had “dumped” him (his words) two weeks before. Here’s what happened when we connected . . .
“Wakey Wakey” he texted. It was 8 am the morning after I called with my proposal.
“Eggs and Bakey” I replied being silly. Then I told Blasian Bae I wanted to have a conversation with him.
We hopped on the phone and I began to share my heart.
“I think I made a mistake,” I said in my best woe-is-me, sliding-down-the-wall, falling-on-the-floor voice. I was playing, but I was serious.
A bold request
I went on to explain that I had been rethinking my decision and hadn’t felt peace since I ended our journey two weeks prior. I shared that in the time I had known him, I’d grown to admire his character and found it to be Christ-like. Further revealing myself, I told him I was having a hard time letting go and was curious if he would 1) be open to revisiting the idea of us and 2) be willing to consider sharing my faith with me throughout our journey.
Without a doubt, it was a long shot. I had already thrown this man back out into the dating pool and here I was trying to reel him in again – with conditions at that. But hey, we miss one hundred percent of the shots we don’t take, right?
As a woman, I’ve been advised to learn to have the audacity of a man. Generally speaking, men have far less reservations than women in asking for what they want. If you’ve ever had a man ask for sex without commitment or protection, you know what I’m talking about. But women – generally speaking – aren’t like that. It goes back to our nice girl conditioning. We don’t want to hurt feelings, offend, or cause discomfort so we keep our desires to ourselves – and far too often we fail to get what we want because of it! Well, that wasn’t going to be my story! I was going to put on my big boy britches, have the audacity of a man, and ask this guy for what I wanted.
Blasian Bae didn’t take it easy on me. He told me that he initially felt that I had been hypocritical and close-minded by rejecting him for the reasons I did. I disagreed, but I let him have his moment. He grilled me with questions about what had changed in my mind and how I foresaw my proposal working. He asked what I required for my needs to be covered.
Fortunately, I was prepared to answer every one of his questions. And I appreciated that he asked them. It felt as though he took my proposal seriously and wanted to gather as much information as possible before making his decision.
Our conversation felt like two strong people trying to sort through an issue while respecting one another. Unlike many of my conversations with men in the past, I felt heard. I also felt like I was talking to an equal who wasn’t going to just tell me what I wanted to hear. This was a man I could respect.
As we wrapped the conversation, Blasian Bae told me he would take some time to think about his answer. I told him to take all the time he needed while I awaited my fate.
The Verdict
After about two weeks and a couple of check-in texts from me, on a Friday afternoon, Blasian Bae informed me that he had reached his decision, but just hadn’t had time to call me. Although I had a feeling I knew what his answer would be, I was eager to lay the issue to rest. By the following Tuesday, he still hadn’t called, so I took matters into my own hands. Why allow the question to remain lingering in my mind – especially when a decision had been made? I picked up the phone and called him.
As we talked, Blasian Bae explained that while I had many qualities he would want in a wife, he’d concluded that I did make the right decision — but not for the reason you may be thinking. He explained that while he was willing to participate in spiritually enriching practices, the fact that I had initially broken everything off due to that reason made it feel like an ultimatum. It was as if I was saying, “Go to church and pray with me or else I’ll break it off again.” He shared that had I spoken with him to explore the possibilities before breaking it off, he might have felt differently.
Attempting to be vulnerable and truly go for what I wanted, I asked “Am I not allowed to make mistakes?” It felt so unfortunate that Blasian Bae seemed to be able to meet my request of sharing my faith with me, but would not do so because I had made the mistake of breaking off the relationship without talking to him about it first. Although I had put so much thought and prayer into the decision before calling it off, and before circling back, in my mind I still had not done it “right”. I explained that I was simply trying to honor my faith and not waste his time if I had doubts. I wish it had occurred to me to make it more of a discussion before making my own unilateral decision – I suppose that’s what they do in healthy relationships. But hey, I’m human, right?
We talked for the better part of an hour as I explained my position and Blasian Bae explained his. He seemed to understand how I had arrived at my change of heart but unfortunately could not shake his negative feeling that I would be settling to be with him. I didn’t feel that way.
I was disappointed, but I couldn’t be mad at him. It’s less than ideal to ask a man to adjust anything about himself to make a relationship happen – but I don’t second guess my decision to do so in the slightest. I needed to make that request to have peace. How could I possibly release a wonderful man who gave the most perfect kisses without doing my best to see if we could arrive on the same page? I don’t regret having the audacious and uncomfortable conversation, nor do I regret putting myself in the position of ultimately being rejected. The potential benefits far exceeded the costs.
Blasian Bae concluded the conversation by asking if we could remain as friends – the same question I’d asked him when I broke it off a month before. I accepted his proposal for friendship and joked that he would have to stop playing the victim because we were now even. I had rejected him and he had rejected me. We laughed and continued the verbal sparring a bit longer before wishing each other a good night. Though I still liked the guy, I would have to tuck him away into my “good guy, but not my guy file.”
I won’t lie. I was salty for a few days following that conversation. The man was well within his right to tell me “no”, but it was the reason behind his “no” that irked me. It was the fact that he may have been willing to meet my request if only I had discussed my concerns before releasing him the first time. That really tap-danced on my perfectionist’s nerves!
I had agonized over how to handle everything in the best possible way. I had done my best to be honest and honor myself and my needs, as well as respect his time and emotional investment. I’d been vulnerable and acknowledged that perhaps I could have done things differently and spoken to him first before making a unilateral decision. I had tried my best and my best was not good enough. It felt as if I had no space to make mistakes in dating.
Pretty Young Thing
History supported that decision. During my digital nomad journey, I had been virtually dating a man (his nickname in the girl’s chat was PYT because he was several years younger) for about a month. We had plans to meet up in Vegas for our first date. The hotel was booked and flights were paid for. The weekend before our date, we had a misunderstanding that led to me impulsively unfollowing him on Facebook. Looking back, I should have just felt my emotions and chilled for a while. Instead, I reacted in a moment of humanity.
When PYT found out I had unfollowed him, he spiraled. I explained why I had unfollowed him which, I admit, was based on an incorrect assumption. Although we cleared the misunderstanding, and I was willing to move forward, PYT could not get over the fact that I had unfollowed him. He called off the entire Vegas date explaining that women had stood him up for dates in the past. He would not risk that happening again.
Understand, I had not blocked PYT, nor had I made any accusations or disrespected him. The simple act of unfollowing him was enough to ruin all the rapport we had built. I couldn’t help but feel that I had no room to make a mistake.
the value of Sister-Friends
Luckily, my girls were there to get me right. They reminded me that I wouldn’t be able to run off the right guy so easily. I would have room to grow, evolve, be human, and make mistakes. Thank God for those ladies. I don’t know how women survive dating without friends. 😅
Remembering her advice with PYT, I reached out to my close friend, Becca, to tell her about my saltiness with Blasian Bae. Becca had gone through the coaching program with me in 2020 and recently married a wonderful man who treats her like a queen. I joke that if their relationship ever hit a rocky space, I’ll blame Becca because her husband, Andy, is wonderful. It’s beautiful to see her loved in the way that she not only deserves but more importantly, in the way that she needs.
Although I knew I was allowed to make mistakes, I needed to hear it out loud. I wanted someone to remind me that I couldn’t “mess it up” with the right guy.
Like clockwork, Becca came through.
“I don’t know how many times I’m gonna have to say it. You won’t be able to mess it up with the right guy.”
“You’re gonna have to say it until I find the guy!” 😂
“I can do that” she replied.
Lessons Learned
Looking back, I hadn’t messed up. I had done the best I could to honor myself and my needs with the knowledge and skills I had. And although it might have been best to discuss my concerns beforehand, I’m allowed to make mistakes and have lapses in judgment. Blasian Bae was a good guy, but not the right guy. I would take the lessons I learned from my time with him and walk away with gratitude and appreciation.
- There are men out there with the character, emotional intelligence, and hairline 🙃 that I desire.
- Before ending a relationship, always share my concerns and see if common ground is possible.
- Faith and spirituality are layered. Although others may disagree, my understanding of Christianity is not black and white. Leave room to explore the gray going forward.
- Even after years of work, my perfectionism can still surface. Be on the lookout.
I’m eleven dates in on my quest to 100 dates, and I’m beginning to understand why it’s never just about the destination. It’s about the lessons learned and the woman I’m becoming on the journey to the destination. She is more aware. She has better relationship skills. This woman will be more equipped for marriage, whenever the time comes.
And so, my time with Blasian Bae has come to a close. Is this how you predicted it would end? Would you have spun the block? I love hearing from you all, so leave a comment with your thoughts. Thankfully, it doesn’t end here. I still have 89 more dates on this journey to 100. Make sure you’re subscribed and check back next week for the next installment of 100 Dates in Houston!
Until next time, be blessed!
Kaity
P.S. Did you know that I wrote a journal? I created The Confidence Project Journal for self-reflective women who love journaling and luxury experiences. The luxury VIP package includes 52 journal prompts, a signature gold pen, a gold metal bookmark, a confidence playlist, and souvenir packaging. Click here to purchase your copy!
Aww man I hate things came to an end with him but I have respect him standing on his decision and that the two of you had a mature, open conversation about it. I was just reminding myself this morning, ” I cannot mess up with the right guy” ! And that I need to embrace these hard lessons. They are helping me become who I need to be. Now you know going forward to have the conversation FIRST before letting someone go, you needed to have this experience to learn and grow from it ! Thanks again for sharing your journey!
It was a lesson I needed and I’m hoping we can all learn from. Thanks for coming along the journey with me, Tamara!
He’s well within his rights to tell you ‘no’, but I honestly felt like this was smthg y’all could have come back from! His unwillingness to budge even tho u were vulnerable, non-malicious, & honest abt ur trepidation as well as ur mistake, was…ewww. Again..well within his rights, but dangggg – no grace AT ALL?? Anywho, I LOVED the exchange btwn u and ur friend Becca – particularly the “You’re gonna have to say it til I find the right guy” and her “ok, I can do that!” – so powerful! It’s such a small thing but it’s a BIGGGG THING – IYKYK!! Having that one friend that is ALWAYS going to be willing to give u even that small reassuring phrase, in the moments when you know that you know better, but knowing also feels futile…sometimes u REALLY need to hear what u already kno from someone else who u know loves u so u know you’re not crazy 🤣
Yes! You get it. lol It definitely felt like no grace, but that was his prerogative.
And yes, having that friend who tells you what you need to hear (so you know you’re not crazy) is so valuable!
Really enjoyed connecting with your honesty and vulnerability. The transparency helps us readers to feel seen as we have all made our share of mistakes and suffered/dealt with the consequences. And our homegirls are right, the right one won’t be run off so easily.