I am now three weeks into my move to Texas, and it’s been wonderful. My social life is thriving, there’s always something to do, and best of all – I live right on a lake! Of course, I miss my family and sometimes feel the pangs of loneliness that are typical of solo living, but overall, this move was a great decision.

In my typical fashion, I wanted to hit the ground running and begin mixing and mingling right after moving here. While traveling as a digital nomad, I learned how crucial it was for a lady living in a new city to make connections.

I also learned the formula for how to make those connections rather quickly:

1. Seek out connections.
2. Use technology – including apps and Facebook groups.
3. Be open to almost everyone
4. Say “yes” more than “no”
5. Most importantly, don’t renege. We all know those folks who never keep their word. Don’t be one of them and expect to build new friendships!

Thanks to this formula, I’ve made friends across four different continents. And now it was time to try it here in Houston!

Malcolm x

I started my journey for connection by downloading the Coffee Meets Bagel app about a week before arriving and matched with about seven guys rather quickly. After being ghosted a few times and having several dead-end conversations, those seven matches filtered down to one exchange of information.

Folks, here is yet another example of why volume is so crucial. I easily could’ve swiped through a hundred profiles, only to ultimately connect with one person outside of the app. ONE!

We will call this lone match Malcolm X because he said it was the photo of me holding a copy of The Autobiography of Malcolm X that made him swipe right.

Using that picture in my profile was a strategic move. Earlier this year, a man casually told me that if he ever remarried, it probably wouldn’t be to a Black woman. Mind you, he was a Black man on a date with me – a Black woman. The statement cut deep.

While I knew there were men who felt this way, I’d never encountered that form of prejudice so directly. I was hurt; not because I wanted the man so badly, but because his statement triggered the deep cultural trauma that’s so pervasive in the Black community. I realized that a Black woman can be everything good under the sun and some men will refuse to see it based on their own limited worldviews.

Being unseen and unvalued is some of the worst type of hurt – and it happens far too often to Black women. In case you’re curious, here’s a quick IG reel on how I got over that rejection.

So yeah – attracting men who are pro-Black and empathetic to Black women has become a non-negotiable for me.

Mr. Malcolm X gifted me with Date number 1 in Houston. The first date was tapas and drinks at The Refuge Bar and Bistro, followed by a leisurely stroll along the beautiful Woodlands Waterway. Although Malcolm’s drive to the restaurant was forty minutes and mine was only five, he arrived before me and took care to send me a text message telling me where I could park my car. He wore a soft-pink polo shirt and carried a southern drawl while we raved about the Korean Gofi beef tips and bantered about our rival alma maters.

The perfect weather and whimsical fairy-light wrapped trees lining the path made for a charming stroll along the waterway. While walking, we geeked out on all things pro-Blackness like preserving the Black family, Elijah Muhammad, and our boy, (the original) Malcolm X.

I was impressed by the fact that Malcolm appeared to be a womanist – essentially a feminist but specific to Black people. He stated that if we were to collectively recognize our own power and influence over men, Black women could shift the entire trajectory of the Black family. I don’t know that I agreed, but I liked where he was going. That photo in my profile might have been a good move, after all.

Malcolm was a true southern gentleman. He walked me to my car and only leaned in for a hug after I initiated contact. It was no Carrie-and-Big fireworks-at-first-sight connection, but I walked away from Date number 1 in Houston feeling positive and curious about our potential. This was promising.

Mr. Hairline

My connection to Date number 2 came from my best friend who moved here to Houston the summer before I did. About a week after my arrival, Loriel mentioned ever so casually that she’d reached out to a homeboy of hers and asked him to show me around the city. As she shared the story, she gave me a look that let me know she was up to something. This wasn’t the first time Loriel had tried to set me up with someone. As a matter of fact, this may have been her fifth solid attempt. We all need a friend like Loriel, and I appreciated her enthusiasm about seeing me happy … but given some of her previous attempts at playing Cupid, I had to give her the side-eye.

It’s 2023, and I’m not a blind date type of chick, so I asked to see this man before I committed to going out with him. Gone are the days of spending time with men in whom I really have no interest just for the sake of being “nice.”

Remember, kindness is a core value guiding my behavior for my 100 dates. It is neither kind nor productive to spend time with someone when you’d rather be elsewhere but don’t have the backbone to say “no, thank you.”

I coach women through what I call “nice girl syndrome” all the time. It’s a form of dishonesty that stems from people-pleasing. We say “yes” when we really want to say ‘no.” We withhold our feelings and opinions to avoid being offensive or hurtful. It all goes back to our little girl conditioning. “Good girls” are polite, well-mannered, and speak with inside voices. The alternative to being “good” is being shamed or rejected, and who wants that? So we learn that we must betray ourselves to have a place in the world.

People pleasing almost never works in relationships long-term. Being polite may keep a girl out of the principal’s office, but as an adult, it will keep her in unhealthy, unsatisfying relationships. It may not always be polite to say how you feel or set a firm boundary, but it’s necessary for a woman’s well-being and happiness. It’s also necessary so that her partner knows that he can trust her word.

So, if I wasn’t feeling this match, there would be no date. Point blank. Period.

Loriel pulled up a Facebook page revealing a man with golden-brown skin, a perfect beard, and a beautiful hairline. Call me strange, but if there’s one physical feature that’s important to me in a man, it’s his hairline. As a matter of fact, it’s in my Match profile under the prompt “What’s one feature you’re weirdly attracted to?” My answer: an intact hairline.

I’ve dated many bald heads in the past and simply prefer the youthfulness of an intact hairline. Is that strange? Oh, well. Fight me.🤷🏾‍♀️

Thanks to his Facebook photos, along with my friend’s rave reviews about the quality of his character, I was excited to meet Mr. Nice Hairline.

Loriel craftily arranged a brief meetup with Hairline and me during a girls’ night out at Bar 5015. I liked his vibe that night and found him wildly attractive, so we exchanged information. During the two weeks leading up to our first official date, we communicated via a few short text exchanges.

The night before our date, excited to see him again, I sent him a text asking for details on where we were meeting so I’d know what to wear. Hairline didn’t give me an answer but told me to just wear something casual. The next day, he suggested we meet at Quotes Willowbrook, a location halfway between us.

I’m known for being late for life and pulled up to Quotes at 7:05 – an improvement from my typical 15-minute tardy arrival. That was me really trying to be on time! Hairline had texted me on the way there to let me know he’d be late and arrived 5 minutes after I did.

I gotta admit, I was unimpressed by the last-minute arrangements, the 50/50 location choice, and his lateness. I prefer a man to be enthusiastic about putting his best foot forward for early dates in the same way that I do. I mean, I started contemplating my outfit for that night at least a week before. It mattered to me. However, I’m aware that I can be a bit of a princess and decided to remain open to the possibility of us. I blasted Chris Brown on my way to Quotes and was in a positive mood when I arrived.

Hairline was a bit reserved during the first 20 minutes or so of our date, but he eventually warmed up. We discussed gender roles, our relationship histories, and the decision to move to Houston – nearly everyone I’ve met here so far is a recent transplant. While curiosity and the therapist in me asked deeper questions to move below the surface, wisdom and past experience reminded me not to push too far. I was pleasantly surprised and took note of his willingness to be vulnerable.

Since the conversation had gone well, we continued our date and went to Coco’s Crepes, Waffles, and Coffee. There, Hairline snapped a selfie of us sitting close and sent it to Loriel with a message that read maybe you were on to something.

How sweet! Maybe he’s into me, I thought to myself.

The fallacy of chemistry

Again, I didn’t feel butterflies or crazy chemistry that night with Hairline, but I did sense that he was a gentleman with a good heart. As both a therapist and a woman, I’ve learned that strong chemistry in the beginning is often misleading. Rather than the foreshadowing of life-long happiness and compatibility that we think them to be, “butterflies” and “sparks” are often our body’s signal that something feels emotionally unsafe yet alluring at the same time. They can also serve as warning signs, alerting us to relational patterns that might be familiar and comfortable but also unhealthy.

Through my personal research, I’ve also learned that I’m among the likes of women like J.Lo, Halle Berry, and Elizabeth Taylor. 😬Beautiful women, but terrible at cultivating lasting love. You see, Jenny, Liz, and I are all dominated by what Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Jung coined as the “lover” feminine archetype. Lover women are highly creative and deeply connected to their emotions. Consequently, we are also highly susceptible to falling for chemistry and whatever feels good in the moment. If you’re a woman and you’ve never heard of feminine archetypes, I highly encourage taking this feminine archetype quiz to begin your journey of self-discovery. It’s life-changing information.

As a dominant lover archetype, I’ve experienced my share of being carried away by superficial gestures of romance, passion, chemistry, and adventure. My last boyfriend was a French pilot based in Paris. He flew me to Malta three times last summer, and we had a whirlwind romance.

It was over by September.

And that relationship wasn’t unique. As a matter of fact, in 2019 I distinctly remember telling my best friend that the relationship I was entertaining would probably crash and burn, but I wanted to see it through because … chemistry. It did crash and burn, but thank God, I made it out (relatively) unscathed.

Houston would be different. Rather than seeking electrifying chemistry in the beginning, I made the executive decision to stay open and see if a slow burn with Hairline or Mr. Malcolm X might work out better for me.

I was three weeks into my time in Houston and my dating life held promise. For the first time ever, I had two viable options to get to know better. To add to that, I felt grounded, empowered, and clear as a woman navigating the often tumultuous waters of the dating pool. Surely, good things must lie ahead. Right?

Date Number 3 was where things started to take a turn. Be sure to subscribe so you can be among the first to hear about it.

Until Next Time,

Be Blessed!

Kaity

P.S.  Did you know that I wrote a journal? The Confidence Project Journal was created for self-reflective women who love journaling and luxury experiences. The luxury VIP package includes 52 journal prompts, a signature gold pen, a gold metal bookmark, a confidence playlist, and souvenir packaging.  Click here to purchase your copy!

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