It’s been almost a week since my second Date in Houston with Mr. Hairline and I’ve decided to step out there and take matters into my own hands. One of my dating coaches — the one who charged me $4000 — pushed the idea of “creating the experience you want to have” as a response to the passivity women display when dating. Many of us sit back, wait for the man to do all the planning, and then complain when he takes us to Buffalo Wild Wings. 😒
Well, sis, that might be your bad.
It’s time to eliminate nice girl syndrome, stop settling for whatever you can get, and start asking for what you want. As an empowered woman, it’s ok to say “Hey, it would make me so happy to try this new restaurant, followed by rooftop dancing at XYZ location.”
This is assertive communication 101. Share the emotion, then ask for what you want. (If you’re in need of assistance being more assertive, I offer assertive communication coaching. Book a consultation here).
I actually tried this assertive approach last year while I was nomading in Milan, Italy for 2 months. Rather than Italian food and drinks in Milan as he had originally planned, the pilot I mentioned in blog #1 treated me to a day on Lake Como, simply because I asked. Don’t get me wrong. Milan is amazing, but it doesn’t hold a candle to Lake Como – just a 40-minute train ride away. It was a magical second date! Check out the footage below!
In the spirit of “creating the experience I wanted to have”, I decided to invite Hairline to go kayaking on the lake adjacent to my apartment. I LOVE water. It’s where a man will experience the most peaceful, feminine version of me. I figured it would be nice to have him join me, rather than going alone.
So, I sent a text midweek and invited Hairline to come out to the lake that Saturday. He stated that he already had plans that weekend and strangely enough did not offer an alternative.
Listen, I will open the door, but the man’s gotta walk through it. He knew where I stood on another date. The ball was now in his court.
Date Number 3
In the meantime, I would be seeing Mr. Malcolm X again. Malcolm had texted me a few days after our first date wanting to lock in a time for our second. I appreciated his initiative and let him know it — we all love compliments and appreciation, but men especially love compliments and appreciation. As Malcolm had done for date number 1, he texted me ahead of time and told me where I could find parking. I loved how he took care to do that.
Prepared for my typical tardiness, Malcolm was surprised when I arrived on time. Knowing he was a planner, I had given him a disclaimer earlier that week that I tend to run 15 minutes late for life. I believe in letting men know who you are — flaws and all — from the beginning. This is the direct result of knowing and accepting yourself as a woman. It’s then up to the man to decide whether he wants to take it or leave it. It just makes everything easier.
Malcolm had suggested we make this date active and try our hands at Puttery, a 21+ immersive mini-golf experience, complete with craft cocktails, music and Instagrammable backdrops. Always down for fun and healthy competition, I loved the idea! During the first part of the date, I was able to experience a more relaxed and fun version of him. He talked a lot of smack but was sweet and gave me pointers on each hole. His pointers were helpful. I won that round and made sure he recognized my victory.
Following the game, we sat for drinks and continued getting to know one another. Malcolm was a thinker and intellect, like me. We talked about history, current events, and even my favorite History Channel documentary series, The Men Who Built America. As a deep thinker, it’s typically pretty easy for me to connect with intelligent men and Malcolm was no different. However, while the intellectual connection was there, I noticed that I did not yet sense an emotional connection. That was acceptable for date number 2, but I did take note. The lover in me wants to feel something at all times. I must admit, she can be a bit much . . .
Having had some fun, it was time to apply some strategy with Mr. Malcolm X. After a good first date, I try to reflect on what has occurred and take note of any follow-up questions or gaps in information. This is my time to come off the high of my heart and start thinking with my head. I then usually have one or two questions in my back pocket that I aim to have answered on the next date.
For Malcolm X, that question was where he stood on faith and spirituality. His Coffee Meets Bagel profile stated that he was a Christian and I wanted to know more.
You see, I’m a Christan, and my faith is important to me. I’ve dated men who “believe in God” but not Jesus. I’ve also dated Catholics. Then there are those who identified as Christian earlier in life but are now unsure. I’ve learned that a praying man who believes in Jesus and the God of the Bible is the best fit for me. It is one of my standards.
Malcolm X explained that he believed in God and had grown up Christian but took issue with the Black Christian church. Having experienced my fair share of church hurt, I understood his position. I then asked him about how he connects with God. Malcolm didn’t have an answer. It was also unclear where he stood on Jesus.
Some of you may say “Well, Kaity, you can influence him and help him on his faith walk” or maybe religion isn’t that big a deal. It’s between the person and their God. I’ve tried all that before and it’s not for me!
One thing a woman must be clear on when choosing a life partner is her values system. For me, faith and spirituality are important values to share with my husband. I need to know that if I go into labor and an unexpected issue arises that jeopardizes my life or the life of my baby, my husband will advocate on my behalf – both in the physical realm with the medical team, as well as the spiritual realm to God Himself through Jesus. Plain and simple, I need a warrior who will cover me physically and spiritually.
For that reason, Malcolm X couldn’t be the man for me. Interestingly enough, I didn’t hear from him for at least a week after that date. Perhaps he had felt the same way about our conversation on faith?
I eventually texted him to clarify where I stood. It never sits right with me to just leave people hanging with no closure or clarity when things go left. Malcolm X had spent time and resources on me and I wanted to give him the respect of clarity. So, I let him know where I stood.
Malcolm X was a good guy, but not my guy. Perhaps we could remain friends? 🤔
what now?
I’ve heard dating experts say that most men will not make it past date number three when a woman is looking for life partnership. Apparently, I was right on target. My first date in Houston had been ruled out.
What now? Mr. Hairline is still in the game, but there’s a new man in Houston and you definitely want to read all about him! Be sure to subscribe and check back in for the juicy details next week.
Until Next Time,
Be Blessed!
Kaity
P.S. Did you know that I wrote a journal? The Confidence Project Journal was created for self-reflective women who love journaling and luxury experiences. The luxury VIP package includes 52 journal prompts, a signature gold pen, a gold metal bookmark, a confidence playlist, and souvenir packaging. Click here to purchase your copy!
Kaity, I love seeing you standing firm on your beliefs and what you want in the faith department inside a relationship. Too many women over-accommodate and contort to fit what they think a man wants, and you’re boldly choosing yourself and honoring your desires. It’s the values for me!
Kaity, good read and great storytelling. I like how I think I know where the story is going on then it suddenly changes. For example, when you started this entry, I thought felt excited about you being assertive and creating the experience that you want, and then boom, he had plans and didn’t try to setup something else. Definitely wasn’t expecting that disappointment. Can’t wait to read the next one.