I have a new strategy for y’all! Grab your snacks because I’m about to spill the tea. Welcome back to 100 Dates in Houston, a dating blog series chronicling my journey as a thirty-something woman on a quest to go on100 dates in Houston, Texas. My goal is to connect with the love of my life. If you’re new here, start with my intro post, explaining the details of this challenge. In today’s post, I share my experience with — get ready — the coffee date!
At the end of 2023, I had gone home to Jersey for about three weeks and decided to take a break from dating and swiping. I was burnt out from having the “we’re not a good fit” conversations with multiple men. It’s one of the hardest parts of dating for me. I don’t enjoy rejecting people – nor do I enjoy being rejected. However, it comes with the territory.
During my hiatus, I came across a TikTok from creator, Marshana Dahlia Spavento, making a case for the infamous coffee date. Check it out below.
If you know me well, you know I’ve been team “take me on a real date” for a while. There are a few reasons why I’ve championed this approach.
Number one, the lover in me wants a nice experience. She wants novelty, fun, and adventure. (If you’re new here, here’s a post where I break down feminine archetypes and what it means to be a “lover)”.
In addition to the fun, there’s a level of built-in insurance. Hear me out.
Ladies, how often have you gone out with a man, only to find out there was zero connection, or even worse — he was a jerk? In these cases, the primary purpose of the date, establishing a connection, is lost. Once you add the time cost of preparation, as well as going on the date itself, one can begin to understand how people conclude that dating feels like a waste of time. And the poor men! I can only imagine how they feel paying for these failed dates — still not going fifty-fifty though. 🙃
However with a proper date — one that is unique, fun, or interesting — if the connection itself is a flop, at least time has been spent doing something fun or new. Insurance!
This is why I would never regret my last relationship with The Pilot. I spent a summer hopping off of planes and seeing some of the most beautiful parts of Europe while attempting to build with someone I cared for. I walked away with beautiful memories and a richer life. Take a look below at some of the fun I had with him in Malta (though you’ll never see his face 😉).
I figure if one must risk heartbreak for the sake of connection, at least have some fun along the way. It makes more sense than crying over a relationship in which you never left the couch. 🤷🏾♀️
NEVER AGAIN
Another reason I’ve championed proper dates over “drink dates” goes back to 2021. It was a weeknight and my first date with The Beard. To arrive on time, I had gone straight from working late to preparing for our evening. By the time I met him, I was hungry. However, the bar he had chosen did not serve real food.
I attempted to find a bite on my way home from the date, however most of the decent options were closed by that hour. After a long day with a late ending, I had to cook a late-night meal.
I returned home from our date hungry – and something about that just didn’t sit right with me…
After that experience, I vowed never again to accept “drink dates” on a weeknight. If a potential suitor wanted to meet after work, when I may not have time to prepare dinner for myself, there would need to be ample options for food.
However, fast forward to 2024, Marshana’s video had the wheels in my mind turning. 🤔 My goal is 100 dates to find the love of my life — not 100 attempts at fun experiences. This was a numbers game and I needed to up my numbers. While a coffee date doesn’t excite me at all, nor does it create a desire to engage in my sexy date night pre-game ritual, it does get the most important job done: assess for connection.
A real numbers game
If I were to try the coffee date strategy, I would have no interest in doing the work of putting on real clothes and doing my hair and makeup to sit in a coffee shop for thirty minutes with one man.
However, three men might be a different story. 🤔 If I could somehow line up a few dates back to back, this could be a productive strategy and a major time-saver.
It was settled – coffee dates for 2024! Once connection and interest are established with a brief thirty-minute meetup, a proper date will be the next step.
Since deciding to alter my strategy, I’ve seen loads of content supporting my change of heart. Meeting for coffee, ice cream, or smoothies in the middle of the day eliminates all the fluff and frills. It pulls back the extra veils and allows the two people to laser focus on one another. Not their environment. Not the menu. EACH OTHER.
Remember, my last relationship started with a second date in Lake Como, Italy – one of the most beautiful places on earth.
The relationship lasted a whopping four months . . .
I haven’t seen the research, but I’m willing to bet there’s little to no correlation between elaborate first-date design and relationship longevity or health.
With a new strategy in my back pocket, I returned to Hinge with fresh energy. Knowing that I tend to struggle to maintain my interest on the apps, I would introduce the idea of a coffee meetup as soon as possible. Rather than texting for weeks on end, only to meet in person and discover there’s no connection, why not meet sooner rather than later?
Within about 3 weeks, I had matched with quite a few men. Two of those matches would become dates #20 and #21.
Mr. Black Power
Date #20 was set to go down at a coffee shop in The Woodlands. My date and I had been chatting on Hinge for about two or three days when he asked to exchange numbers. His profile demonstrated ethnic pride, with photos of him rocking ‘fros and throwing up the Black power fist. ✊🏾 I liked that he offered thoughtful replies in full sentences. He seemed to have “good sense” as my mother would say. Why not meet in person?
I set the stage for my coffee date proposal. It seemed like a better idea to meet for coffee and exchange info afterward than to have my number floating around on the interwebs with unknown men. I suggested to Mr. Black Power that we meet for coffee before exchanging numbers to check our vibe. He was happy to oblige. I clarified I would be on a time crunch and needed to wrap up by 4 pm sharp, so if he happened to be more than twenty minutes late, we would need to reschedule. Clear communication is how one lines up multiple dates in one day. 😉
Hebrew’s Coffee
I’d heard about a unique coffee shop located just five minutes from my apartment and figured it might be a nice alternative to a Starbucks chain. Hebrews Coffeehouse is a Christian-owned small franchise with unique drink options and Biblical influences sprinkled throughout the shop. They even have a monthly “flight” option which includes four specialty drinks curated to a seasonal theme. Check out this shot of their spring flight for April and plan your visit before it “flies” away!
I arrived at Hebrews on time and took a second to glance around the shop. It was bright, airy, and filled with light. Spotting Mr. Black Power at the back of the coffee shop, I smiled and began walking towards him. He greeted me with a hug and smelled like patchouli and bergamot. His curly hair was freshly cut into a Brooklyn. And yes – the hairline was on point. 🙃
We walked over to the register and placed our orders. I opted for the Lavenberry Lemonade, while he chose the Hibiscus Mint Lemonade. The drinks were divine and even came served in little sleeves with a handwritten Bible verse. I loved the attention to detail.
I asked my date if he felt comfortable transitioning outside to take in the sun. We walked through the back of the coffee shop expecting to step outside to a few basic seats and tables. However, we were pleasantly surprised by a huge open green space decorated with flowers, cute landscaping, and a play area for children. This coffee date was panning out to be an experience after all.
During our thirty-minute chat, I learned a great deal about Mr. Black Power. He was a member of a D9 fraternity and regularly participated in community service. Though a Christian, he also let his hair down to occasionally drink whiskey and smoked cigars. He was passionate about helping Black folks prosper and had also been to therapy. CHECK! CHECK! And CHECK!
As I listened, I noticed Mr. Black Power sweating a bit. He seemed nervous. In his nervousness, he shared about his last relationship and how they had attended couple’s therapy. Although it’s typically a no-no to discuss an ex on a first date, Mr. Black Power impressed me with his knowledge of attachment styles. (Check out He’s Just Not That Into You) where I geek out on attachment styles).
He explained that their therapist had described his style as secure to anxious leaning, while his ex had been avoidant. I was happy he had clarified that question early in the game. We’ve already established I can’t date an avoidant man.🙅🏾♀️
As we wrapped up, Mr. Black Power apologized for talking so much and confessed that he talks a lot when he’s nervous. He assured me that he would level out as he grew more comfortable. I truly didn’t mind. Everything he’d shared had been helpful information.
We decided right then and there that we would meet again soon.
Coffee date #1 had been a success.
Coffee Date #2
Date number two of the day was scheduled an hour and a half after date number one. I was right on schedule, as I wrapped up with Mr. Black Power and drove ten minutes to the Starbucks on Market Street, one of my favorite spots in The Woodlands.
Before setting up the dates, Coach Joyice and I had strategized the most practical way to see more than one man in a day without any mishaps. What if one man showed up early to work on his laptop – or the other decided to hang around after the date? 😳 I didn’t want to run the risk of encountering one man while sitting with the other. Sure, I’m allowed to – but that’s just messy . . . and tactless. Joyice and I decided it would be best to select two different locations close to one another.
I walked into Starbucks and glanced around. There were no Black men in sight. My date hadn’t yet arrived. I ordered a Pink Drink and went back outside to take in the sun.
It was a beautiful day with perfect weather. I wore a long-sleeved white fitted tee shirt and my favorite pair of Free People high-waisted bell-bottom jeans. They hug me in all the right places. 😉I was casual but felt cute as I sat on a bench and watched children romp around on the Central Park green space.
To pass the time, I checked Hinge and discovered that my date had messaged me. He would be twenty minutes late.
No worries. I’m hardly one to complain about a little lateness – especially if it’s communicated in advance. Plus, it was such a beautiful day and I enjoyed being outdoors.
Twenty minutes came and went. My date still hadn’t arrived. I checked Hinge once more. He updated me that he was still running behind in traffic on Route 45, but was on his way.
Ok…I guess. 😒
Forty minutes after our scheduled time, Date #21 arrived. I wasn’t impressed. His extreme lateness was a sharp contrast to Black Power’s early arrival.
Date 21 found me sitting at a high table outside the Starbucks. He walked over confidently, with a huge smile, almost bopping a bit. We hugged and he looked me up and down. Then he stretched his neck to check out the full range of my Free People jeans. He was not discreet about it . . .
“Ok. Ok. I see you.” he ogled.
“Excuse me, sir.”
He laughed and pulled up a chair to my table. I could tell he was a jokester.
Date 21 was a skilled conversationalist. His background in sales and event marketing seemed to make it easy for him to quickly engage in conversation as we comfortably bantered back and forth.
However, as we chatted, I noticed — how should I say it 🤔 — a few hygiene issues. 😬 I won’t go into detail — because how does one “kindly” discuss another person’s hygiene issues? Just use your imagination.
In addition to the hygiene concerns, Date 21, wore a bucket hat. Not to be petty, but I hate them thangs. Give me a baseball cap—a beanie. Hell, a fedora might even work! Anything but a bucket hat. Plus, it prevented me from seeing his hairline . . .
the results are in . . .
“So, did I pass the test? Am, I moving on to the next round?” Date 21 joked.
“I’ll let you know.”
I didn’t have it in me to tell him to his face.
Between his extreme lateness, his ungentlemanly ogling, and his hygiene, I knew Date #21 wasn’t a fit for me. I messaged him later that day on Hinge, wishing him the best. His response: “Cool.”
I really hate the rejection part of dating . . .
Day number one of coffee dating had proven to be a success. I had met two men and would be moving forward with one. This was loads better than trying to text for weeks before scheduling a video chat and eventually (maybe) a date. I looked forward to seeing Mr. Black Power again.
So, would you try the coffee date? What did you think about Mr. Black Power and Date 21? I want to hear from you in the comments!
Also, I’m working on expanding my reach and will now be sharing 100 Dates in Houston on Medium.com. Don’t worry, I’ll still be sharing here for the foreseeable future. However, if you love to read quality content, a quick subscribe and follow on Medium would really help me out. It’s just $5 per month or $60 per year to read content from some of the best writers and thinkers around the world. Sign-up for an account and then follow me here! Appreciate the love and support! ~Kaity
P.S. Did you know that I wrote a journal? I created The Confidence Project Journal for self-reflective women who love journaling and luxury experiences. The luxury VIP package includes 52 journal prompts, a signature gold pen, a gold metal bookmark, a confidence playlist, and souvenir packaging. Click here to purchase your copy!
I love this, I was a proponent of coffee dates as well for the same reasons you mentioned. I was in a great relationship with someone I went on a coffee date with (that turned into dinner). 🙂
I love this. I’ve never been a part of the coffee date slander gang. Dating is data collection – at its core. And if I’ve never met u before in my life, I’m not pressed to have this uber-romantic first encounter with a person that I don’t even know! Five mins into the date I might find that you’re extremely boring and now all that pomp and circumstance was for naught. When meeting a complete stranger I like lower stakes such as a cute coffee shop or maybe even a drink at a cocktail bar. Over the top dinners with a man that i don’t even know can understand the difference btwn a woman and a female is a no-go. Bring on the coffee dates pls!
I’m open to ” coffee” dates or ” quick meet ups as well, to check the vibes. I also think it depends on how much vetting/ talking you’ve done prior to meeting in person if it calls for an all out dinner date/ full experience or not. Alot of my dates are long distance so we’ve already talked or video chatted a bit before the in person meeting. I’m really rooting for date # 20! He seems cool!
I had burnt myself out with dinner dates and transitioned to experience and activity-based dates for more personal enjoyment if the guy and I weren’t clicking but I started to do coffee dates or dessert dates as I like to say to myself to save time and effort. I still prefer to have a brief phone call 1st to see if it’s even worth leaving home but that’s just me!
I used to be the Queen of Coffee Dates!!! That’s how I was able to meet multiple dudes on the same day. There’s a Starbucks, PJ’s and Blackrock Coffee right down the street from each other. I would move from location to location on set days to meet multiple men. I would then meet someone else for drinks in the city, and one time I had a follow up 1st date with a dude who invited me to his suite at the New Edition Concert. And, that was after having coffee and happy hour with some other potentials. Needless to say, it was a lot of fun and gave me the variety I needed to explore my likes, dislikes and hone my conversation skills. I say, just have fun with it. I’m boo’d up now, but the process served me well!!!